In the faraway Land of Odd....
It makes perfect sense to barge into the bathroom to monitor Mommy's toilet paper usage and then offer to help her wipe.
It makes total sense to use brother as a Kleenex.
It makes total sense to use Mommy as a Kleenex.
It makes total sense to barrel into the bedroom while Daddy is getting dressed, yell "nakey buns", smack him in the behind, and then run out again.
It makes total sense to roll play your demons out in the back seat, complete with sound effects and hand flailing.
It makes perfect sense to lay at the bottom of the slide, head facing the top, so that brother can slide down and play "Bocce-Noggins" with you.... repeatedly.
It makes total sense to discuss your underwear choice with the checkout lady at the grocery store... and then let it slip that we "had to throw some Spiderman underwear in da trash because mah weiner was pokin' out!".
It makes total sense to poke yourself in the eye with a fork when asked to take another bite of dinner.
It makes total sense to breakdance anywhere at anytime, all the time.
It makes total sense to do a naked Haka after every bath. Every. Bath.
It makes total sense (AND ensures your survival) when you can go from screaming heathen beast to snuggle-angel in 2.8 nanoseconds.
All of this, and much much more... in the faraway Land of Odd.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
The Good, the Bad, and the Seriously Heinous....
SO, I'm guessing you have noticed the crickets chirping and the dust settling over here on the ol' blog. I thank you for your patience and understanding and I promise that I will be back in the saddle again soon. Well... as soon as this small, somersaulting miracle of gravity and life decides to make her appearance... which will probably be awhile seeing as I will only be 32 weeks along this Friday.
*sigh*
I do NOT wait well....
But I digress...
It is all very "hurry up and wait" in our house right now which is why I have decided to share with you my observations on:
The Good:
You could eat off the baseboards in my kitchen if you so chose because I was consumed by an all encompassing obsession to make them sparkle last weekend. Oh nesting.... how you make me crazy....
The bad:
Other than frantic spurts of cleaning, I have no higher brain function... or energy... or drive... did I mention no higher brain function?
The SH:
I have worn a Jabba-like impression into the cushions of our comfiest couch with my considerable bulk and the chocolate cream bundt cake I bought at Publix a few days ago. (Don't judge!)
The Good:
Hubbs has completely taken over bath time/bed time because he is AH-mazing and has been the most tolerant and helpful spouse ever.... Nary a complaint out of the man and I even get the "Do NOT pick him/her/that up! Let me get him/her/it! I don't want you hurting yourself." speech regularly. I <3 him sooooo much...
The bad:
There is no way I could kneel down, bend over, or scrub orifi anyway...
The SH:
I'm like a T-Rex at this point, except it's not my arm-to-body ratio that's off, it's my arm-to-belly ratio. Not to mention that my back would secede from the union and have me speaking in un-kid-appropriate tongues before I could even get to wiggler # 2.
The Good:
I had an fFN test done the other day and it was negative so she's good to bake for at least another 2 weeks... despite the near constant Braxton Hicks and other assorted uterine activities. (I have had pre-term and preemie issues with BOTH previous pregnancies so it was a concern.)
The Bad:
Contractions at 10 p.m.... 1 a.m.... 3:30 a.m.... *yawn*
The SH:
Pelvic effing rest. Seriously? Just take ALL my fun stuff away, why don't you? No alcohol, no drugs, and now no Super-Happy-Private-Time with Hubbs? Boo. It's not like we were able to go all crazy and hang from the ceiling but it's all I had, damnit.
The Good:
She is growing and wiggling up a storm!
The Bad:
All that wiggling doesn't help my near constant Braxton Hicks and other assorted aches and pains... Ever heard of "crotch lightning"? Yeah...
The SH:
She flops... I pee.
The Good:
The hair on my head is long, luxurious, and fabulous!
The Bad:
So is my leg hair and shaving my legs leaves me huffing like moose after running a marathon.
The SH:
I have one random chin hair. EEEEK! WTF?!?!?! Pluck it! PLUCK IT! It's worse than finding a big fat tick behind your ear the morning AFTER you went hiking... ick.... *shudder*
As you can see... all the waiting isn't too bad. It gives me the opportunity to see all the good things.... whine about the bad... and preggo cry about the SERIOUSLY HEINOUS! ;)
*sigh*
I do NOT wait well....
But I digress...
It is all very "hurry up and wait" in our house right now which is why I have decided to share with you my observations on:
The Good, the Bad, and the Seriously Heinous (SH for short)
The Good:
You could eat off the baseboards in my kitchen if you so chose because I was consumed by an all encompassing obsession to make them sparkle last weekend. Oh nesting.... how you make me crazy....
The bad:
Other than frantic spurts of cleaning, I have no higher brain function... or energy... or drive... did I mention no higher brain function?
The SH:
I have worn a Jabba-like impression into the cushions of our comfiest couch with my considerable bulk and the chocolate cream bundt cake I bought at Publix a few days ago. (Don't judge!)
The Good:
Hubbs has completely taken over bath time/bed time because he is AH-mazing and has been the most tolerant and helpful spouse ever.... Nary a complaint out of the man and I even get the "Do NOT pick him/her/that up! Let me get him/her/it! I don't want you hurting yourself." speech regularly. I <3 him sooooo much...
The bad:
There is no way I could kneel down, bend over, or scrub orifi anyway...
The SH:
I'm like a T-Rex at this point, except it's not my arm-to-body ratio that's off, it's my arm-to-belly ratio. Not to mention that my back would secede from the union and have me speaking in un-kid-appropriate tongues before I could even get to wiggler # 2.
The Good:
I had an fFN test done the other day and it was negative so she's good to bake for at least another 2 weeks... despite the near constant Braxton Hicks and other assorted uterine activities. (I have had pre-term and preemie issues with BOTH previous pregnancies so it was a concern.)
The Bad:
Contractions at 10 p.m.... 1 a.m.... 3:30 a.m.... *yawn*
The SH:
Pelvic effing rest. Seriously? Just take ALL my fun stuff away, why don't you? No alcohol, no drugs, and now no Super-Happy-Private-Time with Hubbs? Boo. It's not like we were able to go all crazy and hang from the ceiling but it's all I had, damnit.
The Good:
She is growing and wiggling up a storm!
The Bad:
All that wiggling doesn't help my near constant Braxton Hicks and other assorted aches and pains... Ever heard of "crotch lightning"? Yeah...
The SH:
She flops... I pee.
The Good:
The hair on my head is long, luxurious, and fabulous!
The Bad:
So is my leg hair and shaving my legs leaves me huffing like moose after running a marathon.
The SH:
I have one random chin hair. EEEEK! WTF?!?!?! Pluck it! PLUCK IT! It's worse than finding a big fat tick behind your ear the morning AFTER you went hiking... ick.... *shudder*
As you can see... all the waiting isn't too bad. It gives me the opportunity to see all the good things.... whine about the bad... and preggo cry about the SERIOUSLY HEINOUS! ;)
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A Little Birthday Brothers Grimm....
So... I got a little older this weekend....
And a little rounder....
And, maybe a little bit wiser.... well, maybe not....
We spent the beginning of my birthday at the State Fair. It was great! We rode rides (well, not me),...
... ate corn dogs, and toured all the farm animal competitions. The wigglers were amazed at the size of the cows and the Mammoth Jacks, while completely charmed by all the effed up chicken breeds and super-cross-bred bunnies.
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Little did we know, though, that the real wildlife was riding home with us in our very own Robert the Blue car.
When we got home it was nap time o'clock. Sass Monkey has been phasing out naps for sometime now (big time sad face) but Sprinkles will still go down for a couple of hours if we run her hard enough... which we did. Except ... except... it WASN'T quite hard enough to keep her asleep the entire time. At some point she woke up, stripped completely naked, curled up, and went sweetly back to sleep. Awwww, right? Cutey little nakey buns snoring away... and peeing profusely. Eventually, her own rapidly chilling puddle awakened her from her angelic slumber and that's when the screaming started. Needless to say, she was quite upset to wake up in a puddle of her own cold pee. I mean, none of us like to do that, right? Not that I have... recently.... *AHEM*... Anyway, I proceeded to calmly clean her up and tell her yet again that "This is why we DO NOT take our diaper off." while mentally patting myself on the back for remaining so calm and un-hormonal about the whole situation. Then I roundly huffed and puffed her sheets, comforter, and plushies off the bed and attempted to haul it all downstairs to the laundry, thinking the worst was over....
I. Was. Wrong.
By this time I was supposed to be cooking dinner. Hamburgers, french fries ... the pregnancy works! It was my birthday dinner and I had delicious, greasy, deep fried plans! Hubbs had run to the grocery store to pick up a couple of extras and I was sure I would have enough time to get dinner finished before the extended familia came over for some birthday cake and ice cream. I glanced at the clock while carrying the sheets out to the laundry. Yeah.... I should still have time. No prob....
All of a sudden, Sass starts shrieking hysterically and then screams "Hey MOOOOooooommmm! Sister took her diaper off.... AND SHE POOPED IN MY ROOM!"...
Queue the VERY slow motion waddle/dash for the stairs and my horrified "NOOOOOOOOOO!"... but it was too late. In the time it had taken me to get downstairs and put the sheets in the washer, my dear, sweet Sprinks had pooped like a man, taken off her diaper, and walked around upstairs dropping nugs like napalm in Nam. It. Was. Everywhere.
And that is how, my sweet little children, we ended up having McDonalds for dinner.
The End
And a little rounder....
And, maybe a little bit wiser.... well, maybe not....
We spent the beginning of my birthday at the State Fair. It was great! We rode rides (well, not me),...
Chicken or Swiffer Duster?
When we got home it was nap time o'clock. Sass Monkey has been phasing out naps for sometime now (big time sad face) but Sprinkles will still go down for a couple of hours if we run her hard enough... which we did. Except ... except... it WASN'T quite hard enough to keep her asleep the entire time. At some point she woke up, stripped completely naked, curled up, and went sweetly back to sleep. Awwww, right? Cutey little nakey buns snoring away... and peeing profusely. Eventually, her own rapidly chilling puddle awakened her from her angelic slumber and that's when the screaming started. Needless to say, she was quite upset to wake up in a puddle of her own cold pee. I mean, none of us like to do that, right? Not that I have... recently.... *AHEM*... Anyway, I proceeded to calmly clean her up and tell her yet again that "This is why we DO NOT take our diaper off." while mentally patting myself on the back for remaining so calm and un-hormonal about the whole situation. Then I roundly huffed and puffed her sheets, comforter, and plushies off the bed and attempted to haul it all downstairs to the laundry, thinking the worst was over....
I. Was. Wrong.
By this time I was supposed to be cooking dinner. Hamburgers, french fries ... the pregnancy works! It was my birthday dinner and I had delicious, greasy, deep fried plans! Hubbs had run to the grocery store to pick up a couple of extras and I was sure I would have enough time to get dinner finished before the extended familia came over for some birthday cake and ice cream. I glanced at the clock while carrying the sheets out to the laundry. Yeah.... I should still have time. No prob....
All of a sudden, Sass starts shrieking hysterically and then screams "Hey MOOOOooooommmm! Sister took her diaper off.... AND SHE POOPED IN MY ROOM!"...
Queue the VERY slow motion waddle/dash for the stairs and my horrified "NOOOOOOOOOO!"... but it was too late. In the time it had taken me to get downstairs and put the sheets in the washer, my dear, sweet Sprinks had pooped like a man, taken off her diaper, and walked around upstairs dropping nugs like napalm in Nam. It. Was. Everywhere.
And that is how, my sweet little children, we ended up having McDonalds for dinner.
The End
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Things that may or may not be growing inside me...
1. One of these...
2. A very tiny human with aspirations of prize fighting...
3. A squid...
4. A bighorn sheep...
5. Psy..
6. A Muppet... this one in particular...
7. 6 Capuchin Monkeys...
8. Something nocturnal that hates me...
9. This guy...
10. Another one of these, sans dangler...
So you see, there are lots of theories... What's your vote?
"Excuse me? Can you let me out of here?"
2. A very tiny human with aspirations of prize fighting...
It's one of those "I want my kids to really aspire for greatness" Halloween costumes... It comes with fake muscles, robe, gloves, imitation facial bruises, and anger management issues.
3. A squid...
Awwww... she got my eyes and his... chin?
4. A bighorn sheep...
This is an actual photo of what is going on inside me RIGHT THIS MINUTE... Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the restroom... again.
5. Psy..
Amniotic Gangnam Style...
6. A Muppet... this one in particular...
But he's always been my fav...
7. 6 Capuchin Monkeys...
Oh sure... they look cute NOW... but just you wait till Mommy has her 3rd cupcake...
8. Something nocturnal that hates me...
9. This guy...
I <3 him so hard.
Sass as a 6 month old wiggler... All THIS, all the time...
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