You can leave your face masks at the door!

So... I got this as a present from a co-worker/friend this morning...

   ... with chocolate, of course.  This friend reads my blog (dangerous, right?) and my first thought was "Wow.. this chick really GETS me." and "Huh... I wonder if I talk about poop stink too much?  Nah.".  She told me she saw these and thought of me and that now I could make my home smell like I had been cheerily baking all sorts of wonderful delights while getting loads of laundry done, folded, and neatly put away... in 10 seconds flat.  No flame to tempt little fingers and no poisonous oil to swallow.  I love her.

   Lets face it folks... my wigglers can create some... oppressive odors.  I'm talking commy red star wearing, feudal farm working, google-is-the-devil kind of oppressive.  Between Sass's stash of skid-marked atrocities; that little liar, the Diaper Genie; the dishes that didn't make it into last night's load; and Hubbs's gym bag... well... break out the gas masks.  (Nope... I NEVER make stinks.)  And, of course, being the holidays, people want to come by and sit a spell... in the smell.  It lurks beneath the fresh piney scent of our spruce, waiting for unsuspecting victims to inhale through their nose.

Maybe now my Mom won't make "that face" when she walks through the door?  :)

My daughter's head is its own bio-dome.

My daughter's head is its own bio-dome.

Gross, right?  You have no idea and I don't have the heart to make you all urpy by posting the crime-scene-like photos of my baby girl's noggin.  Merry f*cking Christmas.

Once upon a time (but really over the Thanksgiving holiday) something odd popped up on Sprinkles' head.  "Maybe she bumped her head?" we thought and then thought no more on it.  The day after Thanksgiving we noticed it had grown exponentially and was no longer just a bump of flesh... it was a giant, puss-encrusted scab the size of a quarter.  Why does it smell?!?!?!  (We were trapped visiting family in the backwoods at the time so the closest pediatrician was Bubba and his magical jar of white lightin' down the holler a-ways.)  Next day we get home and immediately go see the doctor.  "It must be a nasty case ringworm." he says and gives us a foul tasting concoction that we must shove down her throat once a day for 6 F*CKING WEEKS!!!!  

Okay... there's a fungus amongus... I can handle that.  If you live in the South, then you already know, but for those of you visiting from places that are less wet/warm/fertile (heh), here in Tennessee we get to deal with a myriad of odd and disgusting infections/insects.  Ringworm does rather well here and is a common occurrence, especially in small children... as are chiggers, poison ivy, and intestinal parasites.  (insert big eyeroll)  And no... it's not because we don't wear shoes or cotton ta skoolin'... it's because we play in the creeks naked and don't drink enough moonshine.  :)

Anyhoo...  So every night for the next few days we beg/plead/trick/wrangle poor Sprinks to get the medicine go down.  (Spoon full of sugar my ass...)  It seems to be working.  Sprinks is happy because she gets a cookie every time we attack dose her.  Sass is happy because he isn't the one who has to take it.  Hubbs and I are happy because we think we know what it is and we have a cure.  All seems to be going well...

Until...  (and we all have our "Untils", don't we?)  

A couple of days ago, over the course of no more than 8 hours, we noticed that it had blown up to the size of a silver dollar; turned a very angry shade of red; was weeping copious amounts of a dubiously colored fluid; and smelled of death, corruption, and infection.  (I must note that, through all of this, Sprinkles seemed largely unconcerned by the contagion eating away at the back of her head.  So... at least there is that.)  Yikes!  Back to the doctor!  Run, run, RUN!

Diagnosis is.... (drum roll please).... Staphylococcus!  W... T...F...?!?!?  My baby has a STAPH infection on.  her.  head.  Yeah... just take a moment if you need it.  I did.  

Better?

Yeah... me neither.

Ya'll... I was raised in a lab (literally.  My mom finished her PhD in Microbiology when I was 16 and my sisters and I hung out with her her and the other graduate students all the time.  And what do graduate students talk about with small children?  Why, Fractals and Genome Sequencing!  So yeah... literally raised in a lab.) so I have a decent basic idea of what's wiggling around out there.  This freaks me out.  Now, I know staph is everywhere and all you need is an open wound and a suppressed immune system (and sometime not even that) and Tag!  You're It! but seriously?!?!?!  This is no bueno....

The good news is the infection is responding to the new medication wonderfully.  It already looks ten time better...which should help all the parents of her classmates feel a little better themselves.  I will say that it is NOT contagious, but it looks like it should be.  It looks like something that should dissolve you from the inside out in a bad SyFy Channel movie that is supposed to take place in a jungle but is actually filmed somewhere in Northern CA...

The bad news is that it is F*CKING STAPH...  Yeah....  I need another moment...

In respect and remembrance...

Tomorrow it will be back to the funny, but today... well, today will be this.  Because we are all grieving... because we are all afraid... because we all want to help... 

Please go here to donate...

...

Today the most terrible of all a parent's fears has reared its ugly head.

To the families of all those innocent children, to the teachers and caregivers and to everyone touched by this... this... nightmare-made-truth...
I cry for you...
I cry with you...
We all do.

...

My Christmas Tree is... is.... ummm....

Behold!

All Hail The Christmas Tree!  Which has been safely blockaded between the couch and the fireplace to minimize the tiny heathen damage.  Santa should be able to access one of the lower quadrants for present deposit with very little difficulty.

And yes... that is a glowing, green star.  This star is what happens when you let a 3 year old boy pick out the tree topper.  But it's not just green folks!  It slowly morphs from the color of nuclear waste to what I would like to refer to as a bright "boy fairy blue"...

It's all "Rise of the Gaurdians"...

And then to an eye shockingly purpley-pinky combo... kinda the color of the lights out side of strip joints.  It is fantastic.

Live Nudes and no cover charge for the ladies!

The lovely lady at 3 Monkeys and a Martini is hosting a Christmas Tree pic contest and I thought... "I'll do it!  That LED monstrosity needs to be aired and shared".  :)  So thank you Ms. Martini, for this opportunity to heal through sharing... *sniff*  :)

I'll take your old... but keep my new!

     I love holiday traditions.  The idea that, year after year, we do as the ones who came before us is a beautifully comforting and soul-strengthening one.  Baking, crafting… wearing lit candles on your head on purpose… it’s all fantastic.  My family of wigglers and wiggler wranglers are also having a great time creating our own little family traditions… like NOT climbing the Christmas tree.  *Ahem*   Out with the new and bring on the old, right?  Well… maybe.  Except I like technology… a lot.  And something that feels so right just can’t be wrong… yeah?  Take, for instance, the Santa Tracker on AT&T U-verse.  Whoa!  A reindeer cam?  Sass’s mind has been blown in the cutest of ways.  And this got me thinking about other things I might not be willing to do the “antique way”… which led to ….

The “Pass The Microchips, Please” List

(or “Things that are better now” List)

     Shopping

            OMG!  I love my Amazon app.  No more will I have to trudge to an actual store, rub elbows with real people, or stand in a gawdawful real line.  Whoot!  Now I have time to do the important things… like make more fudge.  No worries!  Amazon has lots of stretchy yoga pants, ready and available for perusal and purchase!

     Checking Out Library Books

            Now, I like taking Sass to the library to check out his books (mostly the same Batman over, and over, and over…) but I had a disturbing realization a couple of days ago while reading my e-copy of Shades of Grey (yes, I caved,  just like with the first Twilight movie.  Still trying to scrub the sparkly vampire crap out of my brain…).   Yes… it was a very disturbing realization.  If this was a regular book I checked out, then other people would have touched it.  Wait?!?!  How many other people and who…?  And you know where I’m going with this don’t you?  Yeah…. Ew. 

      Finding Recipes

             Ready for something McCall’s can’t offer?  You know, like, food that isn’t exclusively cooked by white Mid-westerners  (No offense guys… I love my meat and potatoes, too. You should see what I can do with a kielbasa… oh… wait…..)  Just google!  Gone are the dark ages of “Well, maybe if I just throw it all into the same dish, sprinkle bread crumbs on top, and call it a casserole no one will notice it’s actually crap from last week.”.  I can say I finally know what tabbouleh  is… AND how to make it… AND that I love it!  *Squeal*  But not how to get my kids to eat it…  *poo*

     Mr. Fix-It

           Duct tape does NOT, in fact, fix everything…. But now we can search to see what actually might fix it.  No more jerry-rigged faucets or projects left undone for months!   Does hearing “Well, wait.  Let me see what I can do with it.” make anyone else feel all stabby?  “Oh look, honey.  See how complicated this fix is in the step-by-step, expert plumber level tutorial?  Yeah… I think we should get a professional too…”  *contented sigh*   There are two problems solved…  ;)

     So yeah, let’s make to cookies and sing our songs and do whatever the mother country is doing… but leave me my wi-fi and my e-books and my instantshoppinggratification app.   Like antibiotics and hand sanitizer, not all change is evil.  Now where is my candle hat?

My people are awesome 'cause adolescent girls, 

cotton robes, long hair, and candles

 is a combo that is ALWAYS going to end well...

It will all be over soon, Teddy....

Hello all!

Don't forget, all my local yokels...  Do this!  Do this now!  It is a guaranteed warm fuzzies with a side of mulled soul re-energizing  goodness.

The tree is up, the lights are on, and Teddy, I'm sorry... but you need to take one for the team.

I have LOTS of breakable ornaments.  Why?  Because I like to live on the edge... and I'm stupid.  Glass, carved wood, and even a sand dollar with a delicately painted scene of a horse and carriage from the Charleston Market. .. my tree is COVERED in everything that stirs my Sprinkles heart to Destruction Level 4.  (There is a 5 but that involves the potty...)   Hand-blown glass Santa... "I wonder how this will taste?" *crunch, crunch, crunch*  Instant ER trip.  Cloisonne Hummingbird?  "Let me get a closer look at that beak while running!" And OOOPS!  Yay!  Stitches for Christmas.  But "Fuzzy little stuffed Teddy Bear ornaments (I have 3)  hung enticingly low and unsecured on the bottom most branches?  Why yes... how about a cuddle and a gooey mauling...."  Poor bears. Poor, poor bears.

Time for Operation Take It Teddy.  I know this may not have been what you signed up for guys, but you are providing an invaluable service to Tree and Toddler.  It is all for the Greater Ornamental Good, so let's tighten your belts (and your little string loops!) and trudge on!  Hang On and Stay Calm.  It will all be over soon.

You might want to turn your head, Santa.  

This is going to get ugly....

Calling all Mommies!

Callin' all my Nashvegas (and the surrounding area) peeps!

Kate, Lydia and Guru Louise from Rants from Mommy Land have asked that we all band together and help Moms in need by participating in their Gift Card Exchange for Give It Up Mommyland...

or by sponsoring a local organization.  We need to do this!  Go to Rants From Mommy Land and read up folks because, apart form being soul shatteringly funny and true, these ladies have a great thing going here.

And for shame Tennessee.  When I contacted Rants, I was informed that I was the first from our great state to do so.  The Volunteer State?  Really?  Now, there is no Orange involved here but that doesn't mean we can't get excited about it! ;)

I suggest we sponsor The Renewal House.  If you have any other organizations you feel passionately about, please let me know!  Let's give back because I know it hasn't always been candy faeries and care bear farts for everyone, now has it?  And we all need a little help every now and then, now don't we?  The problem is,  that I CANNOT do this alone.  The Renewal House is awesome and wonderful and fights the good fight and could really use our help.  Don't have $$$$, well, how about some time?  Don't have time?  Well... we will figure something out.

Here is a list of all the wonderful ways we can help:
     1) Adopt-a-Family-provide holiday gifts for one of the many Renewal House families;
     2) Donate food and/or gift cards for holiday meals;
     3) Donate diapers and wipes for Renewal House children;
     4) Donate money to fund a fun holiday outing for Renewal House families; and
     5) Donate Christmas trees or other holiday decoration for the families' apartments.

So, lets schedule a get together at my house and make some Happy Christmas Sh*t happen!  Bring yer kids!  Bring yer Hubbs!  Hell, bring yer dogs (fenced in back yard)!   E-mail me at dontchewonthedinnertable@gmail.com if you are interested and lets get this party started!


P.S. - And.... just ignore all my previous posts about, well, everything.  My house will be clean and my children will be wearing clothes... hopefully.  *Ahem*

Santanic Worship and Mall Glamour Shots

No... no... not dead... just tired.  I've heard that things come in threes but how about baskets full of shit throwing Chaos Monkeys fighting against the Happy Holiday Kittens?  Why monkeys?  Because they know too much.  Why kittens?  If you have to ask then you are fuzz bereft and I can't help you.

Kittens won, btw.

Suck my Yule Log, Monkeys!

All hail the beginning of the Christmas TORNADO!
Decorations are out!
Tree has been trimmed!
Santa's lap has been covered... by Sass's ass cheeks.  There is even a picture.  *shudder*

Now, I'm gonna stop here for a moment...
 
     Santa pictures... nay, all holiday creature photos, are the devil.  Why you ask?  Because they are the only evidence that I exist (because I am always BEHIND the camera... because I am the only one that REMEMBERS that there is a camera ) and they make me look insane.  There I am, year after year, frantically wrangling one of my squirming progeny with a look on my face that screams "I'm crapping my dress!" so that years from now, they can say that they did this and Mommy and Daddy loved them and wasn't it nice that we all did these things together as a family?

No... it wasn't really...  Well... some of it anyway....

     We waited forever in line in a hot shopping mall full of aromatic, incredibly under-dressed humanity (as in "More Clothes Please!"  I did NOT need an anatomy lesson this afternoon and did you know that Tennessee formal wear includes camo, a muffin top, and Axe Body Spray? ... and that's just the dudes?) while they both wined and squirmed and dropped graham cracker crumbs everywhere.  It was "We have to wait our turn, honey." a thousand times and fervently whispered prayers that they wouldn't stain their Christmas outfits before we got up to Santa.
     Then... there we were.  We gently nudged a hesitant Sass forward, underneath the oddly elongated neck of an enormous, grotesquely-grinning, white Polar Bear in people clothes, and towards Santa.  I thought Sprinkles was going to crawl out of her skin trying to get away, and Sass... well...  for Sass it was awe at first sight.  I watched him stare up at The Man Himself, thinkin' finger firmly implanted, silent and still.  My boy was meeting Santa.  THE Santa. For him, this.  Was.  IT.  Santa helped him into his lap.  We smiled for our picture.  He told Santa that he had been a good boy this year (wtf?) and what he wanted for Christmas.  I have never seen that boy so all sorts of supa-LED-lit-up glowing from toes-to-nose with excitement.  You should see the picture.  He is radiant   The moment was perfect... except that Sprinkles looks like she is trying to dig her way out of a pit of live, venomous vipers;  Hubbs is in some awkward Senior Picture pose; and I am shiny, desperate, and disheveled.  But Sass is beautiful.  And that is beautiful...

.... and THANK GAWD we won't have to do it again until next year....

To actually SEE the photo...  go here.  And no worries... I take pity "Likes".