Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Let the "fun" begin!

A bird's eye view of Mt. Synnøvius.

     I have hit the halfway point in my pregnancy and we are now 20 weeks along.  Yay, right!?!?!  Maybe it's because I know what I'm in for, but my enthusiasm is... slightly less than some of those ladies on their first go 'round.  I say let them live in blissful ignorance... I don't want to be anyone's bubble popper.  36 weeks should do that for me just fine.  Don't get me wrong, though.  I am excited to meet our new baby girl!  Juuuust maybe not so excited about what's right around the gestational bend.  For example:

Things that are going to happen no matter how many goats I sacrifice I have to look forward to:

1.  Back/hip/joint pain - The kind of pain grown men take drugs for... except I can take drugs.... yet.
2.  Cankles - Are those white tree trunks?  Oh... nope.  Just a pregnant lady lumbering into the doughnut shop.  "Where are her feet?" strangers will wonder as I waddle past.  Somewhere under there, I promise you... I can feel my toes wiggling.
3.  THE FEAR - Is the baby kicking enough?  Is it kicking too much?  Was that a contraction?  Did I just pee on myself or did my water break?  YEEK!
4.  Boobs - Now, what is wrong with increasing ones bust size, you ask?  If you start off modestly, nothing.  But 2 previous breastfeeding stints, and a passel of genetics with an unkind sense of humor later and you end up with mammoth mams that will outweigh your newborn... individually.  I am afraid to lay on my back while I sleep because, if those puppies decide to head north, I am going to asphyxiate.
5.  Sweat - Ewww, right?  Ewww but undeniable.  Growing a baby has some unfortunate byproducts... one of those is heat!  (there are others but even I have limits)  If I lived in the arctic in January, this would be fine.  But I don't.  I live in the south and it's July.  Damnit.
6.  Peeing - Hold on a sec... I'll be right back.  I have to pee... again. *five minutes later*  Okay, now where were we?
7.  Uncontrollable hunger - I know it's not an issue for everyone, but I can feel it coming.  My entire life will become one long hunt for things I probably shouldn't eat a sh*t-ton of but will anyway.  Like chili cheese fries and doughnuts...  Food commercials will make me salivate like a bloodhound on a fresh trail and the FOOD Network is completely banned from our channel line-up... unless Hubbs WANTS to go find me collard greens and fried chicken at 10 o'clock at night... on a Tuesday.

Food Crimes I am already guilty of...

8.  Questions - If you are going to ask "When are you due?", have the decency to NOT looked shocked and cross yourself when I answer.  It's not like you have to BE there...
9. Exhaustion - There is no such thing as "enough sleep".  It's the effing unicorn of raising kids.  It doesn't exist.
10.  Itchy effing stretch marks - "Tiger Stripes" my ass.  Tigers never catch themselves scratching at their bellies like they've got something communicable while slathering on everything from Shea butter to cooking oil, muttering pleas for sweet release under their breath.

It's all so glamorous, isn't it?  And to top it all off, I get felt up by a stranger in increasingly shrinking intervals! Score!

But despite all the "fun" stuff, it is the only way to get those adorable little heathens that have completely and irrevocably changed our lives for the super better so it's worth it.  *sniff*  Ow!  Oh sh*t... did my milk just drop?  *sigh*


  1. My son was enormous and I was always aware of him writhing around in my womb, trying to get enough room to stretch (he DIDN'T have enough room, but he stretched anyway, often). But when I was pregnant with my daughter, I would occasionally worry (okay, FREAK OUT) that she wasn't moving enough. So I would drink a diet coke and lie on my stomach. Always did the trick....

    1. I had the same experience with my 1 and 2. #2 was so calm and quiet... it drove me to distraction!

  2. I always feel sorry for ladies who go through the last weeks of their pregnancy during the summer. My daughter was born in April so I really didn't have to deal with the heat issue. I just had to find a coat that could fit me and leave gaping holes where the cold air could filter in.

  3. I didn't know you had Dunkin' Donuts in the South! When I was pregnant, I HAD to have a sausage, egg and cheese on a toasted bagel AND a coconut donut every day... And only one of the four DDs in my town carried coconut donuts. Five years later, you better believe my husband still remembers which one.

  4. I completely understand! Mine was the 45 pounds that happened even though the dr. said a "healthy gain" was 25-35 pounds and I was eating well and exercising throughout the entire pregnancy. It just couldn't be helped, the doc said. Some women's bodies are different than others. I just happened to get the one that NEEDED that extra 45 pounds during my pregnancy. :) Hang in there!!