Author's Note: When I say "we" I mean "humanity" not just "you and I". Because, in the end, we are all responsible for "we", right? It is a heavy burden....
What I gathered from my foray into the interwebs was, that for only $39.95, you too can watch a video for roughly 15 minutes that will teach you how to not help your baby eat. Apparently, you just lay the helpless wee bairn on your tummy and let it try and wiggle to your nipple... like a worm on an apple. But there is 1 full hour of BONUS FOOTAGE! Effing score! Right?
It's soooo natural because I'm sure that's how our ancestors did it. "Okay little Homo Habilis. I got you on the outside here in this dank, dark cave but now it's time for you to fend for yourself! Wiggle hard my little ape-man. WIGGLE!" And just like that, we squirmed and wriggled our way into becoming (arguably) the most successful species on the planet. (queue the nature documentary music and end scene) *warm fuzzy hippie hugs all around*
Wait.... No... That doesn't seem right.
Because it's not.
Ohsweethairyjeezus, ya'll. Just. Quit. Humans have the weakest of all mammal newborns because we evolved to care for them with our hands. You know, those useful tools on the end of your arms that lift the chocolate bars to your mouth? Yeah... those. Even putting that aside, animals WITHOUT hands push and nuzzle and assist their young to the nip post-haste after their birth because is is essential for the newborn's well being. Not to mention that a foal, kitten, or lion cub (and any other mammal except the pouch birthers) can lift their heads moments after birth whereas we cannot.
Little Jimmy had better learn to wiggle good, huh?
Are you really going to do less for you child than a cow in the field? Yes? Really? Okay... well... enjoy your encapsulated placenta and umbilical cord keepsake necklace!
I was going to put up a picture of encapsulated placenta but then I Googled it and up popped pictures of a placenta sandwich and something involving flopping a placenta on a canvas to leave a bloody imprint that folks are calling "birth art"... and I was done.