Author's Note: When I say "we" I mean "humanity" not just "you and I". Because, in the end, we are all responsible for "we", right? It is a heavy burden....
What I gathered from my foray into the interwebs was, that for only $39.95, you too can watch a video for roughly 15 minutes that will teach you how to not help your baby eat. Apparently, you just lay the helpless wee bairn on your tummy and let it try and wiggle to your nipple... like a worm on an apple. But there is 1 full hour of BONUS FOOTAGE! Effing score! Right?
*sigh*
It's soooo natural because I'm sure that's how our ancestors did it. "Okay little Homo Habilis. I got you on the outside here in this dank, dark cave but now it's time for you to fend for yourself! Wiggle hard my little ape-man. WIGGLE!" And just like that, we squirmed and wriggled our way into becoming (arguably) the most successful species on the planet. (queue the nature documentary music and end scene) *warm fuzzy hippie hugs all around*
Wait.... No... That doesn't seem right.
Because it's not.
Ohsweethairyjeezus, ya'll. Just. Quit. Humans have the weakest of all mammal newborns because we evolved to care for them with our hands. You know, those useful tools on the end of your arms that lift the chocolate bars to your mouth? Yeah... those. Even putting that aside, animals WITHOUT hands push and nuzzle and assist their young to the nip post-haste after their birth because is is essential for the newborn's well being. Not to mention that a foal, kitten, or lion cub (and any other mammal except the pouch birthers) can lift their heads moments after birth whereas we cannot.
Little Jimmy had better learn to wiggle good, huh?
Are you really going to do less for you child than a cow in the field? Yes? Really? Okay... well... enjoy your encapsulated placenta and umbilical cord keepsake necklace!
I was going to put up a picture of encapsulated placenta but then I Googled it and up popped pictures of a placenta sandwich and something involving flopping a placenta on a canvas to leave a bloody imprint that folks are calling "birth art"... and I was done.
Just. Stop.
Oh for the love of Pete...who dreams some of this stuff up?
ReplyDeletePeople really need hobbies... that don't involve placenta.
DeleteThat may be, LITERALLY, the worst idea I have ever heard.
ReplyDeleteIt really, REALLY is....
DeleteIn the meantime, while you're lying there, waiting for worm baby to squirm its way to dinner, your engorged boobies are spewing milk everywhere. WHY WOULD ANYONE TURN THAT EXPERIENCE DOWN?
ReplyDeleteWorm baby... *snort*
Deleteoh gross. birth art. are "we" trying HARDER to become more stupid? or are "we" just so bloody arrogant that we think we need to come up with new ways every day to tell other people how to raise their kids?
ReplyDeleteooooh, wait, I got it. it's all about the benjamins. this is my main problem with childhood/parenting "experts" in the first place. you read parenting magazines for 2 years straight and you'll see all the information looping and changing so that it's "new" every 2-3 years. so these people can remain employed.
seriously, stop the insanity!!
And we use the term "people" loosely, don't we... ;)
DeleteUgh! Seriously, some people have SO much time on their hands to think up all kinds of this weird stuff!! Hey, your reasoning is awesome and accurate but who wants accurate when they can make millions off some idiotic parents who want their newborns to become world champs at wriggling!!
ReplyDeleteI feel so bad for the young first timer preggos coming in... shit has gotten craycray...
Deleteha! yeah, this is how the cave-mamas did it, AND THAT IS WHY HALF THEIR BABIES DIED! my first kid would barely eat when i STUFFED THE BOOB IN HIS MOUTH. he would have fallen prey to the laws of darwinism fo' sho'.
ReplyDeletealso, birth art? barf.
Don't Google it... you will regret it.
Delete"Well, we always knew little Timmy would be a genius. He DID learn how to breastfeed all on his own within 15 minutes of me birthing him in the dolphin pool. Of course, that was AFTER I fed the pod-leader the placenta, to ensure he would have a lifelong bond with Timmy."
ReplyDeleteThis makes my brain hurt.
I love you for the dolphins....
Delete