Food that "hugs you", not "mugs you".

This time of year always brings out the "Comfort Food" side of me.  Potatoes, meat, onions, thick breads... all things warm and wonderful.  I am also always trying to find quick, inexpensive recipes (I like my cooking like me.  Easy and cheap.)  that don't involve a lot of pre-packaged foods for my kids.  (Not that I won't slap a chicky nugget down, now.)  I "re-discovered" (i.e. - walked to the fridge and thought "Gah!  What am I going to do with all this left over chicken?  If I make one more friggin' quesadilla, I am going to BRAIN someone!  Oh, wait...) an oldie but goodie recently and thought I would share... in case you were interested.  In other words... slow blog day ya'll.  :)

Chicken and Dumplings Slut-Style (Oh, they are so very, VERY easy!)

*I would like to start out by saying I don't really measure anything.  I just taste as I go and add where needed.  This recipe is VERY forgiving.*

Ingredients:

A couple of big handfuls (more or less) of shredded chicken.  You can use leftover "whatever" chicken.
2 cups Self-Rising (or not) flour
A little salt
milk
1/2 a large yellow onion
3 or 4 good sized carrots
2 or 3 big stalks of celery
2 or 3 tablespoons of Vegetable shortening
At least one box or 2 cans of chicken stock.  I like Better Than Bullion.  You can usually find the Chicken, Beef, and Ham bases in regular grocery stores.  No MSG and they have low sodium versions, too!

Cooking Instructions:

Bring the stock to a steady simmer and add shredded chicken and thin-ish sliced onion, celery and carrots  until the veggies are soft (about 20 minutes) .  Make sure there is enough stock to cover everything and then some.  Those dumpling will be on the absorbent side.
While everything is bubbling away , mix flour, a little salt (you don't need much) and a couple of good sized spoonfuls of vegetable shortening together with a fork.  This is where dumpling preference comes into play.  If you use self-rising flour, your dumplings will be more biscuit like.  If you use plain flour they will be more noodley.  Both are quite tasty and kid approved.   Add small amounts of milk to the mixture until you get a stiff and slightly sticky ball of dough.  Make sure you have enough liquid bubbling away before you add the dumplings.  Add more water, if you have to.  Nothing worse than a dry dumpling, you know?
Coat your hand in flour and pat out patties of dough about the size and thickness of your palm and lay them, sides touching, on top of the chicken-y deliciousness.  Cover and cook for another 10 minutes or so.  You will know the dish is done when you pull open a dumpling and the inside is dry.

Scoop, serve, and sit back to receive your praise.

This eats nice, makes a shit-ton, and reheats great.  Your kids won't even notice that they are eating fresh carrots, either, if they aren't in to that sort of thing...

This is the Biscuit Dumpling version.  

Cause I am always trying to find ways to get more biscuits in my diet...

Now it's your turn.  Post a recipe in my comments section below or e-mail it to me at dontchewonthedinnertable@gmail.com and I will post them for everyone to see and enjoy.  Help a girl out here... I need some new material!  :)

Batteries and Biscuits...

Our car batter finally gave up the ghost this morning and let all its green stuff out.  Tragic.  We had known this was coming for a while, we had just hoped it would happen closer to the end of a pay period... but why be convenient, right?  Luckily we have a second car (with no car seats at the moment) so we were able to resurrect Robert the Blue Car (What?  Your car DOESN'T have a name), drive the kids to daycare and roll into a Firestone.  And why not just switch the car seats, you ask?  Because hooking those things up takes a PhD in Physics or Spacial Development.  Damn you, Graco.

Anyway, while watching Hubbs get the jumper cables hooked up through the storm door, Sass asked,
"What is Daddy doing?"
Me:  "He's jumping the car so we can go to school."
Sass:  *Looks very confused and inserts Thinkin' Finger* (He has always stuck his index finger into his mouth when he is having the deep thoughts.  We have come to call it "the Thinkin' Finger".)
Me:  "Umm... Cars need gas and electricity to go like you need food and milk."
Sass:  *BING* "The car jumps, Mommy?  I jump too!"

And instantly, I saw in his face that Robert the Blue Care and Sass were "da sames"... compatriots in play... and jumping.  And I suppose he was right.  At least about the electricity part.  I have often wondered if Sass doesn't actually plug in somewhere when we aren't looking.  His ability to ricochet off furniture and climb the swing set can't be fueled by apple slices and meatballs alone.  This would explain so much...

We also also figured out the most successful technique (a.k.a. Operation No Scream) for Sprinkels' abandonment drop off this morning.  Food.  More specifically, biscuits.  When you get to daycare late, you arrive in the middle of morning snack.  If you arrive during morning snack, the juice and biscuits are already out on the table.  And if they are already out on the table then Sprinks won't even wait for you to put her down before her little legs begin to try and propel her towards her quarry with her arms out stretched,  fingers grasping, and lips smacking wetly at the idea of buttery carb-tastic satisfaction.  Yikes!  Replaced by pastry!  Well, at least she isn't screaming, right?

Out for good behavior...

Oh, sweethairyjeezus, yes....  A day off when daycare is OPEN!  It's like Christmas except Hubbs and I still have to wrangle on Christmas, so in some ways... IT'S BETTER!  Now, don't get yer hopes up.  

What sounds like it might be like this...

Will probably end up being more like this...

Sweet, uninterrupted sleep and/or TV time.  Disney Jr. can suck my Sperry's and Sprout can blow me.  Until the kids get home, of course.  :)  And then we are all Care Bear farts and My Little Pony piles.  Oh wait, wrong generation.  How about Little Nut-Brown Hare trails (that show makes my gag reflex really jumpy) and Captain Barnacles... well... barnacles.  (Don't worry. Quazi.  You are still my favorite.)

One of the few "shows" I will actually watch with the wigglers on purpose...

But I digress... as usual...
It is enough to say that the house is quiet, no one is wearing work clothes, and Hubbs and I just might get to actually sit down for a nice lunch out somewhere.  But lets not get all crazy talk now...  :)

Anybody else out there off the hook...free... erm... out early for good behavior?  How are you all spending your time today?

Mommy sucks and it's okay.

When your baby looks at you like this...

WTF, Mom?  I told you I wanted the PINK sippy cup!

... and your baby but-not-a-baby-anymore does this when you try and talk to him on the couch...

This is me ignoring you, Mom, 

because you are neither Jake NOR a Neverland Pirate.

... you know your are doing a good job at parenting.  (They are I-still-have-to-wipe-your-ass young going on 17 and Mom gets NO LOVE!  Unless I make meatloaf or wear clothing made out of chocolate.... which would just be awkward... mostly for me.)  I am either completely ignored or judged unworthy and I suppose I should be a bit put out by these reactions.... but I'm not.  By pushing those boundaries and voicing those opinions, they let me know that they feel safe.  They know they are loved and cherished and haven't a care in the world.  Well, except for the ones they decide to have as they push their boundaries and develop as people.  So go ahead babies, Ignore me or fuss at my sock color choice.  I know that YOU know that you are safe and we love you.  

But don't push it too far... sweethearts..... 

Frog in my throat....

     My house is in a constant state of drip.  Noses, eyes, mouths... the bathtub upstairs that apparently sprung a leak somewhere vital last week and sent water dripping down the light fixture over the dining room table.  (Super safe, that one, but back to the human drips.)  None of it is cold medicine worthy, or stay home from school worthy... you just hafta deal.  We need to go buy stock in Kleenex and I totally gave up on telling Sass to stop picking his nose about a week ago.  ("Fine.  Get a tissue.  No you don't!  Do NOT wipe it on you sister..... OR THE COUCH!")  Sprinkles just lets it run out of her nose and down her face and then screams like a burned banshee when you try to clean her up.  I think she finds the ooze comforting  (like a slimy green blankie) and to remove it will cause deep emotional scars... for you.

     Anyway, when I woke up this morning, this creeping crud had managed to sink its nasty, goo-encrusted claws into my throat, rendering me effectively mute.  So annoying.

I get to sound like this...

Looks cute but leaves nasty marks on your windows at night....  

Mostly pee dribbles and tummy slime.

But feel like this....

Ri-BIIIIIT, Bitches!

     This morning, Sprinkles gave me the shark-eye until she got a good look at me (apparently she had never had her wake up song sound quite so... guttural)  and I gave Sass a nasty start at the breakfast table.  While waiting for his breakfast he decided it would be a good idea to stand up in his chair, leeeeeean over the back of it, and try to reach the light switch behind him.  He was narrating the entire time, of course.

"I'm gonna turn the light on.  Where does this one go?  What light works it?"

     I turned from breakfast prep and saw him trying to give himself stitches before 7 a.m. (C'mon, little dude!) and what I wanted to say was, 

"What are you doing?  You are going to hurt yourself!  Sit on your bottom!" 

but what actually came out was, 

"Croak, croak, CROOOOOOAK!!!!" 

     He whipped around, eyes wide, looking a little frightened.  He then very slowly turned around, never taking his eyes off of me, and sat back down.... completely silent.  Very effective.

Didn't know Mommy could channel Irritated Toad, did ya?

Mommy Time Out!

     Last night I took a Mommy “Time-Out”.  Hubbs and I picked the kids up, got them home and through the door, and then I turned around and walked right on back out.  (After numerous hugs and kisses, of course.)  And I didn't come home until after the kids were in bed and the house was quiet. 

     You see, once a week I drive all the way to the other side of town, strap on some skates with sassy pink wheels, pad everything, and roll around a track trying to find as many ways as possible to hurt myself.  That’s right folks, Roller Derby.  It’s awesome and I suck but I DON'T CARE!  It’s not about social skills or who is wearing what.  It’s not about calming or centering anything.  It is DEFINITELY not about being polite.  It’s about falling down and getting back up.  It’s about trying hard and doing better than last week (hopefully).  It’s about pushing yourself and getting stronger.  And pain... no small amount of pain.  Like many things worth doing in this world, it takes its toll and leaves some bruises…. and lets you know that you have just being kidding yourself about core strength…  Man, that last wiggler really did my abs in.  (As in pushed them down somewhere around my navel and then left them there to die.  Which they did.)

My Ab Eliminator and future Derby Girl!

It is goooood, and I am gooooood (I am a so-very-old-lady kind of sore.  Lots of popping, and cussin’ this morning.), and I should have just enough time to heal before next week!!!

My new favorite torture device pastime....

How do you spend your Mommy Time-Outs, ladies?

*Any of my Nashville area peeps interested?  Just go here to learn all about how to join the Nashville Revolutionaries.  You will thank me later...  :)

A confection of indefatigable sass...

     This morning, as Sass in no uncertain terms told me in his snottiest little boy voice that HE was going to watch TV and then have breakfast AFTER Sprinkles, my switch flipped.  You know, the one that lets you go from 0 to Vesuvius  in 2.5....

Like this but with more PAIN...

Who was this tiny blonde dictator marching around the house every morning telling anyone and everything when to jump and how high?  Who was he to pull emotional strings and tell me that “I don't want you!  I want Daddy!”?  Had some fire-eyed creature crawled up from the smoky, black depths to possess my sweet baby boy?  Was Sass starting to exhibit the early warning signs of a severe psychosis? (Because OHMAHGAH there are no less than two nasty tempered old men and a wolverine with anger management issues living in that boy’s head right now.)   

     I stopped…. On the verge of a ohholyhellacious full-scale Mommy meltdown (Really?  Before my coffee?)… and just looked at him.  He stood there glaring at me, little brow furrowed, legs braced and arms crossed, ready for a fight.  The product of a lawyer and an unlicensed (but incredibly competent) shit talker (a.k.a Mom).  I deflated a bit.  What was I to expect?  The boy is a tough, very opinionated cookie and comes from a long line of tough, opinionated cookies.  He is a confection of indefatigable sass.  Now, that doesn't mean he gets to be a little Napolean allthedamntime but, as I considered him standing there, battle ready, I felt no small amount of pride.  And also realized I needed to change tactics.

“Fine.”  I said calmly.  “I am only going to make breakfast now.  If you don't want to eat it, I’m not going to make you.”

“No Mommy.  Daddy will make my breakfast.” * pout and stomp *

“Nope.  Daddy isn't cooking breakfast today.  If you want to eat you need to come sit at the table with your sister.”

     Cut to 5 minutes later and Sass is sitting at the table quietly tearing into a fried egg and banana.   Okay, so I sorta won this round but I can see some losses looming on the horizon.  At least I still have Sprinkles' support, right?  She sat there the entire time, happily shoving eggs into her mouth while smiling broadly and occasionally waving at me.  That’s right… the baby likes me… for now….

The Art of Post-Mastication

Alicia Silverstone ain't got nuthin’ on me.    And this is why….

     

     My family (or more specifically my Grandparents) own a cabin and some land about an hour from our house.  During the Fall and Winter, scores of my family descend upon its wooden walls and proceed to eat, drink, and kill deer (while meticulously recording any and all data concerning wind speed, number of deer seen that day, what direction the squirrels were farting, etc…  We are conservationists, not just killers.).  This past Saturday was the beginning of Muzzleloader season so swarm we did!  Now, this is no regular “Smells like men and gunpowder” hunting cabin, mind you.  What started out small so many, many years ago has slowly creaked and GROWN into a backwoods resort of sorts that has been painstakingly furnished and decorated by my Grandma in the most fantastic of Woodsy-Couture styles.  It has two full bathrooms, tons of bedrooms, a full kitchen, huge dining area… and cable!  Can’t miss the football games just because we are holed up in BFE!  Anyway, I love this place and I digress.  On to why I just accidentally made Alicia Silverstone look normal…..

     Meals are always prepared in groups.  This way, no one has to stray too far from the liquor stationed religiously on the end of the kitchen island.  As dinner was being prepared on Saturday night, a storm blew through strong enough to knock out the power.  No oven?  No problem! The world’s largest charcoal grill lives on the back porch!  Oil lamps were lit, cinnamon whiskey was liberally applied, and the dinner prep continued.  The most faboo of hash brown casseroles was mixed up and spiced with cayenne pepper… in the dark.  Needless to say, it was a bit on the spicy side and just how we liked it!

     The power eventually came back on, dishes were cooked, and we all sat down and tucked in.  It was delicious!  Sprinkles had no trouble with the burn in the casserole as it was mostly potatoes and cheese and she will not be denied her starches!  Sass didn't eat  his casserole because he is thoroughly entrenched in his “ I'm not going to eat that because it is not one of my 4 approved flavors and didn’t you get the memo?” phase so, after both pans of the gooey deliciousness were empty, I finished his.  *burp*

     On the way home that night, with both kids comatose passed out in the back, I mentioned to Hubbs that “It’s too bad Sass didn't like the hash brown casserole.  I thought it would be right up his alley.  Maybe he didn't like the spice?”  And then I remembered… he had tried it.  He had even chewed a bite for a moment… right before he spit it out onto his plate and loudly declared “I don't want this Momma!”  Wait… did I eat ALL of his casserole?  Even the… huh…. Yeah, I did.

*sigh*

Wow... and I thought chewing food for your kid was over the top....

What’s worse?  The fact that I ate post-masticated little boy leavings or the fact that it didn't bother me that I did?  

I do love fresh SEE-food...

WTF Friday?

What's up with you today, Friday?  Normally you show up, all "Yay!  Let's be friends!  Tomorrow is Saturday!" and we hug and snuggle.  Did something happen?  Did Hubbs and I say something wrong?  Because you started out, well... kinda rough.  I mean, there was the teething baby at oh-dark-hundred, and the pre-alarm wake-up ambush from Sass...  Then there was Sprinkles's footie pajama no-no that required a bath and a complete costume change for the two involved parties.  (It was all the way down BOTH FOOTIES!!!)  And don't forget Sass's Show-n-Tell meltdown... ("No, you CANNOT bring an ENTIRE tub of Legos to school.  You can bring ONE thing.  No, no.  A lunchbox full of Hot Wheels is not ONE thing..."  Things just shrieked downhill from here.)  Well, at least it's pizza-n-movie night, allhallowedbeitsname...

This is EXACTLY what it will look like... except that we pick up Little Caesars and no pizza guy actually comes to our house... my kids just like to lick the storm door....

I guess it's time for a Friday funny... (But, Friday.... you need to work a little harder on being nice to your friends.  Otherwise we aren't going to want to play with you anymore.)  This one satisfies my Nerd-Need and my Funny-Need....

F*cking Weeping Angels....

Don't forget to Follow Me or "Like" me on the Book!  It would help me feel better...

How are ya'lls Friday treating you?  Everybody playing nice?

Costume foolery!!! Send me your pictures!!!

     Last night was a sugar coated success.  It registered somewhere between a 9.5 and a 10 on the Richter Scale of fantastic fabulocity.  Sass and his BFF cleaned up the candy like a pair of lions at a visually impaired Impala conference.  After costumes had been peeled off and loot dumped into piles on the carpet to be simultaneously marveled over and devoured, he twitched on the couch for an hour, demanding “Halloween TV” and then lapsed into a deep sleep that was part diabetic coma and part exhausted swoon.  It was adorable.  Sprinks spent the evening sashaying around the house in her tutu while being admired by Grandma and screaming in terror at all the masked creatures that came to our door.  So glad she stayed with Grandma.  Masks are really not her thing.  Pretty purple tutus, on the other hand, ARE…

     I also consider it a complete success because nobody earned stitches running up and down some VERY steep driveways in the dark and nobody puked.  Gold stars to everyone for no urps!  We also got to hang out with some pretty awesome parents and have ADULT TALKING THINGS!  You know, conversations?  Whoa….

     The Trick or Treaters were faboo, too.  We actually had a boy come to the door wearing an iridescent turban and red long johns who sang the entire “Trick or Treat!  Smell my feet!” song.  Both verses.  He got free rein on the treat bowl for that one.  We also had the 18 year old girl, dressed as an “Indian Club Princess” and hiding a lit cigarette behind her back who showed up around 9:30.  She said “Trick or Treat” and smiled sweetly while her buddies giggled from the car.  She got 2 handfuls for balls alone.  Way to take that dare and get some chocolate, sweetheart.

     And now it’s time to batten down for Thanksgiving while pretending that I won’t actually eat ALL of the untouched Sam’s-sized bag of candy left over from last night.  I over estimated… badly (or goodly depending on how you look at it).  Looks like I'll be breaking out the stretch pants a little early this year…..

     Now… I want to see your Halloween costumes!  Send me pictures of your wigglers (and fam or you!) all dressed up and I'll post them on my “Cuteness” page and link it back to you (don’t forget to include the page you want me to link to!).  Email me HERE or post them in my comments.  I can't wait to see them!