No really... Who Am I?

Tag!   I'm it!  The lovely Ms. Dina Marie of  A Plucky Procrastinator (she is double boiled chocolate awesome-sauce and you should really check her out) tagged me on the book the other day and I was all like... well... I'm not sure WHO I am.  Maybe these questions will help?  We'll see......


1.  WHERE WERE YOU BORN?  B.F.E. KY... not the lube, fools.


2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?  It's an old family name from the mother country so totally applicable today.  Way to go Dad.

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? 2... I think.  They just won't stop moving long enough to count and they make enough mess for at least a baker's dozen worth of folks....

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?  2 dogs... not kids right?  Because they both smell a little....

5. YOUR WORST INJURY?  It really is too early in the day to talk about my perineum so... I have a giant scar on my back from a teething toddler classmate.  It has grown as I have grown and now is just waiting for it's inevitable surgical removal.  Maybe I can have a two-fer... my scar and Fred, my golf ball-sized uterine cyst?

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?  I can work my children's bowel movements into any conversation.  I'm magic like that.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?  Kielbasa and potatoes....

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?  Burger King Whopper w/ Cheeze!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  There are sooooo many other good ways to die......

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?   Assholes... not the actual ones... just if they are one or not.

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?  My son whines and cries enough for all of us.....

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES?  Bail or college fund?

13. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU DRINK REGULARLY.  Coffee with cream (no sugar), unsweet tea, and more unsweet tea.  I despise sugar in my libations and cannot abide plain water.

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?  LOTR... and if you don't know, I can't help you.

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?  Hmmmmm... trapped on a boat for weeks at a time with a bunch of hygiene challenged men who are absolutely riddled with syphilis....  I'm going to say no.

16. FAVORITE SMELLS?  Newborn hair, freshly turned earth, and lemon Lysol.

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG?  So no one dies.  It's a catharsis of sorts....

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?  I will not be put in the ground.  Instead, I would like to be burned on a pyre after all my useful parts have been donated so, I guess no music.  Afterwards I want all my loved ones to have a huge party with tons of good food and effective drinks and for them to tell scathing and titillating lies about me....

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?  That I have no least favorite things.  Things are or they aren't.  Self-deprecating humor is not always truth.  It's an equalizer. (Okay... THAT sounded way more uppity than I intended.  What I meant was, I don't have the time nor the inclination to hate all the wiggly streched out bits on myself.  My children love me whole and my husband loves me absolutely .. why should they be wrong?)

20. FAVORITE HOBBY?  I get to have hobbies?  But I have kids....

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?  A nice ass.  That goes for you too, ladies.

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO.  Work for the man... and like it.  :)

23. FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO?  Sleep, nap, and relax.  In that order.  They are in such short supply these days....

24. ANY PET PEEVES?  Doomsday Preppers.  The actual folks, not the show.  That's just silly.  If there really is a zombie apocalypse, a world wide power outage, or a nuclear disaster do you really think a hole in the ground and 80 cases of Tofu Jambalaya and canned green beans are going to save you?  Really?

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?  My Hubbs at lunch.  He said some funny things about spicy, moist chicken balls....

Now... TAG!  You're it ladies and gentleman!  Get on it.... or not.  Just know that I luv ya!

Big A little a
Bad Word Mama!
Baking in a Tornado
Cloudy, With A Chance Of Wine
I Like Beer And Babies
Laugh Lines
Let Me Start By Saying
Life On The SONny Side
Menopausal Mother
Modern Mama Dramas
Mom In Two Cultures
Momaical
My Half Assed Life
My Home Is With You
One Classy Motha
Something Clever 2.0
Sorry kid, your mom doesn't play well with others
The Mom Of The Year
The Sadder But Wiser Girl
Who Woulda Thought?

Wordless Wednesday: The weekly wiggle.

Weekend:

Yard work, yard work. YARD WORK.... Advil.

Week Days:

Cook, clean, repeat.....

Clean again...

Grab some forced snuggle time.... relax... for 10 minutes or so.  

Then git yer ass back outside for some more yard work.

"Indecent Proposals" or "The Homebody Explanation"

In the living room one Saturday:
*Hubbs and I walk in and find dear Sprinks red-faced and elbow deep in her diaper*
Hubbs: "Well... as long as she isn't mining for Mud Nuggets..."  *looks thoughtful*  "Can you pan for those?"


At dinner last night:
Sass: *to "Row, row, row your boat"*
"Bats, bats, bats, bats
Spooky Halloween!
Bats dey fly.  Spooky, Spooky!
Bats, bats, bats... AIRPLANE!"
*Hubbs and I collapse in uncontrollable fits vowing to end every sentence with "AIRPLANE!"*
Sass:  *looks irritated* "Don laugh!  Airplane bats!  I said AIRPLANE BATS!"


Explaining his extended absence:
Hubbs: "It was a P.L.O.P.  You know, a Post-Lunch Office Poop."


Family trip to Target:
Sass:  *looks up at the sign advertising a new line of undies in the lingerie department*
"Hey!  Dere's boobth on der!" *Hops off the cart and bee-lines for a neon yellow demi cup with sparkles*
"Dis is for boobth, Dad!"  *big smile*
Me:  "Oh he is SO your son...."


During a Sprinkles fit over being told she could NOT do something at the table:
*Sprinkles begins grabbing handfuls of her cereal and throwing it to the floor in a fit of pure toddler rage*
Hubbs:   *calmly turns and looks at me* "I have seen you metaphorically throw your cheerios..."


A couple of nights ago:
Sass:  "Mom!  Mom!"  *runs toward me with a disturbed look on his face and something clutched tightly between his index  finger and thumb*  
"Look Mom!" *shoves a crusty, bloody booger into my hand*
"I've got raisins in my nose!"  *he bolts*
Me: *speechless and nauseous at the same time while Hubbs laughs so hard he's silent (that's REALLY hard)*

100... like "300", but without the leather underwear...

     So... blogger informed to today that this would be my 100th post.  Really? I thought.  100 posts?  I had to stop for a moment.  This means that since Saturday,  September 1st of 2012 (except for that one post in November of 2011 that is positively abysmal) , I have taken the time to sit calmly, compose my thoughts, and then put them to "paper"... a purely selfish act.  I have taken time for myself.  What a novel idea.... heh.

     My blog has become a place to share my thoughts (in a somewhat organized fashion), record my children's funny little bits (before they are lost in the exhausted jumble that passes for my brain these days), and meet some wonderful folks.  I have to admit that this last one was the most surprising, not because I thought you were all creepy weirdos, but because so many of you are so effing awesome.  I have found myself wishing on many occasions that we all lived a bit closer and that I could meet you, your adorable children, and your hilarious significant others face-to-face over a glass of something alcoholic.  I want to throw a Bloggy Boil where we all stand around a picnic table, eating shrimp and corn on the cob, while the littles abuse my Lab in the back yard on a soft summer night.

Low Country Boil

This dumped on a table covered with newspaper... just heaven.

But this is not to be.  And twitter, while nice, is a poor substitute.  But I will take what I can get....  ;)

     So thank you all.  You have validated my insanity, puffed up my ego to extra-enormous proportions, and dispensed invaluable advice.  You have shared your innards/inner workings with the world and we are all better for it.  Here's to you, blogging friends!  And here's to the next 100.... may they be better constructed and more useful.  ;)

Inspiring?

I know, right?  Me?  Inspiring?  Well maybe for doubling up on your birth control, but I dunno about anything else....  Still... Jen from Life On The SONny Side, in all her wisdom and glory, gifted me with this some weeks back and I must say, I was (and am still) very flattered.  Jen is a devoted wife and mother who knows how to get down with her bad self when the gettin' is good but also isn't afraid of life and all its bumps and bruises.  Her blog is her kitchen table... why doncha come and sit a spell?  We'll have a laugh, share some wisdom (or, in my case, lack thereof), and maybe a few tears.  She is true and deep and hot... wait.... did I just hit on her... AGAIN?  Giiiirrrll, it's uncontrollable, I tell ya.  *Ahem* Anyway... thank you Jen!  You have made my heart swell with your openness and my head swell with your compliments.  Thank You!

And now... as the rules of this Blogger Award state... 

Things you can't unlearn about me

... errrrm...no.

Sh*t that will scar the backs of your eyelids every night for weeks

... Nah.  Too long.

I know!

My Full Monty 

(but with words, not with penises)

(btw, if you haven't seen this movie, you should.  It's really good.)

(and NOT because of any pink parts)

1.  I am a nerd.  Raised on Tolkien, I read the LOTR appendices for fun when I was 10. I also owned (emphasis on the "ed") a "Magic the Gathering" deck and had my own cloak (Don't hate.  My Mommy made it for me one Halloween.)  College (a.k.a. beer and the arrival of my bubbs) normed me out a bit... but not much.

2.  I would do shameless, possibly marriage vow breaking things to see Mumford & Sons in concert. 

"Raise my hands

Paint my spirit gold

And bow my head

Keep my heart slow"

I mean... really.... *sigh*

3.  I despise cooked carrots.  They are an abomination.

4.  I prefer pencils to pens.

5.  I licked a Castle once.  A real one.  In England.  I can't tell you which one though, as it's a bit on the shy side and doesn't want everyone to know yet.

6.  I played the flute for marching band in high school.  And no... I never did THAT.  No one ever does THAT.  *eye roll* 

7.  My favorite bird is the Carolina Wren.  The smallest, fattest, most pissed off looking ball of adorbs EVER!

"B*tch!  Don't make me come down there!"

And now... to pass this on!  Here are a few of the blogs I'm lovin' and learning from these days.  If you don't know 'em then get on it!  

Big A little a

Bad Parenting Moments

Mom in Two Cultures

Mom of the Year

Can you say chaos?

Ladies, thank you for you have most definitely inspired me!



UPDATE:

And now....

From Menopausal Mother!

I am doomed to a weekend of head puffery....  Thank you so much!

Sophia's da 1st's step-brother has privacy issues.

We paused the TV during a commercial for a "Sophia the 1st" movie on Disney Jr. last night after Sass had finished watching his nightly DVR'ed Octonauts, aaaaaand this is what we got.

Yeah.... Um..... yeah.......

Happy Wordless Effing Wednesday.

Painting a sandwich....

     It was nice yesterday.  The sky was blue, the weeds were growing green in my garden, and I swear I felt the first gentle nudgings of Spring.  And, of course, all the stores are throwing it in your face with the pastel Easter decorations, over-priced patio furniture, and... *gulp* bathing suits.

     Bikinis, bikinis everywhere and not a scrap of fabric more.  Ones with sparkles (yay!), ones with tassels (ummm...), ones with zippers (just... stop), and ones so tiny that if your tah-tahs can actually be contained by them, then you aren't really old enough to be wearing one.  I used to rock one, before the Breakers made their appearance. Back when my figure was more Ruben-esque - the painting, not Ruben-esque - the sandwich, I would tie on some triangles and head sand-side to bake to a crispy golden brown.  I have never been thin by natural means but I wanted to stop obsessing about my so-called "imperfections" and be comfortable in my own skin. In my mid-ish 20s I found myself myself a Charleston, SC dweller and to my absolute horror this involved a heavy amount of beach time. What was I to do?  Everyone went to the beach  since it was 100% humidity and about 500 degrees Kelvin for 3/4 of the year... ummm... okay... well... I opted for shock therapy.  Just put on the d*mn bikini and strut... shock the hell out of the populous.  The first few times were sooooo scary.  My inner monologue went something like this:

"Yeek.  I am so fat."
"Gawd... I am so pale the sun is going to reflect off of my pasty, cave-fish-white belly and... girl, you are gonna BLIND people!"
"I can feel my thighs jiggle when I walk.... and now everyone else knows."
"Suck in!  SUCK IN!"

And on, and on....  But I kept on... with constant encouragement from Hubbs (then boyfriend), of course.

     You know what I learned, folks?  No one cared.  They were all too busy freaking out about their own bodies.  I would look around at other beach goers and, yeah... there were some college hard bodies but everyone else looked like me.  Pale... more round than not... and nervous.  Men who kept their tee-shirts on to hide their bellies, women in strategically positioned sarongs that only came off before their mad dash to the water line... wait... I/WE were the norm?

Shut the front door!

Huh....

Sweet.

Hand me a beer and lets rock this beach!

     Forcing myself walk around mostly naked was one of the most freeing things I have ever done.  I felt cute... and I was.  Shucking off the bad-body-image-mantle of Cosmo, MTV, and the previous generations's obsession with yo-yo dieting was thrilling.  I hoped that by seeing me in my not-much Old Navy that some other girl or guy would feel okay to jiggle their wiggle for all to see.  And I was angry.  Angry that I had let TV and the ThiNazis cow me into believing that I wasn't just damn fine.  Never again fools.  Never.  Again.

Buuuuttt....

     I will admit that I had a hard time adjusting to the change in my body after the birth of my first.  He was huge and I am a mere 5 feet tall.  There is sh*t on me that is just ruint, ya'll.  Then we had our second and, I don't know if it's because I am just so tired I don't have the extra energy to care, or if I finally have come to grips with it all but... d*mnitall....I feel pretty.  Pretty in a way I didn't have before my wigglers.  Pretty not just on the outside, but a pretty that starts within and works its way out... a pretty pride.  Look at my babies.  See how they reach  for me and burrow into my tummy because "It's warm and snuggly!"?  Look at my Husband.  See how he looks at me as a wife and now mother of his children? (Tee-hee... giggle.)  These are mine and I am theirs and if my butt has a couple of puckers in it that weren't there before and my belly looks like WWIII happened on top of it then so be it.  It's not the cute dress I'm wearing (but it is REALLY cute) or its size that makes me pretty, it is the love of my family.

     SO watch out bathing suit season!  Here I come in all my puckered, jiggly, glowing glory!  (Though, I will be wearing a one piece.  The girls don't appreciate extreme floppage after breastfeeding two ravenous cubs and require a bit more scaffolding these days. They would just eat a bikini top...)

Then 

vs. 

Now

                              

Either way I'm good.  :)

Day Off...

Sweethairyjeezusyes!  A day off when the schools are open!  Not that I don't love spending quality time with the wigglers, but lets face it... there are weekends when, by Sunday, "quality time" has de-evolved into "desperate survival" and Monday can't come soon enough... *ahem*

Either way, a bit of time where Hubbs and I can lay on the couch watching TV that doesn't involve upbeat songs about friendship, sharing, or the number 8 is most welcome... So, until tomorrow my bloggy buddies... Now, to get some lunch from an establishment completely ignorant of compressed, reformed and deep fried chicken bits and the french fry.... 

*happy sigh*

Fly on da wall...

So welcome to my insanity... or bits and piece of it, anyway, courtesy of  Karen @Baking In A Tornado!  It's my first time so be gentle...  This is what it's all about:

"Fly on the Wall is a monthly post by a group of bloggers challenged to let our readers see what it might be like to be a fly on the wall in our homes. Each post is not a single story, but a compilation of snippets, each one its own quote or event or conversation (or disaster) strung together to provide a behind-the-scenes glimpse into our lives."

Should I apologize ahead of time?  Nah.....

Sitting on the couch watching TV one night....
Me: "I feel like I bloat around the face when I'm about to start."
Hubbs: " You don't "bloat around the face"..."
Me:  "I feel like I'm all bloated.  Like right here." *I begin to yank on my pre-waddle.*
Hubbs: "That isn't bloating... That's just disturbing."

At the dinner table....
Sass Monkey: "I'm having fith nuggets for dinner.  Some are round, some are square, and some are oct-o-gon." They are all, in fact, square.

While digging for cold meds....
Me:  "Ug.  I want to die.  I feel like I am dying."
Hubbs: "You can't die and just leave me here with these two..."  *looks desperate* 

During "Snuggle Time" in Sass's bed before sleepytime....
Sass Monkey:  "I have blonde hair and blue eyes, Mommy."
Me:  "You do!  And what color are my eyes?"
Sass Monkey:  "Blue."
Me:  "That's right!  And what color is my hair?"
Sass Monkey:  "White.  Cause you're old..."

Could be anytime, really.  She STILL refuses to say "Mommy".
Me:  "Can you say "brother"?"
Sprinkles:  "bwuvah".
Me:  "Good girl!  Can you say "da-da"?"
Sprinkles:  "Da-da!"
Me:  "Yay!  Can you say "Ma-ma"?"
Sprinkles:  *silence*
Hubbs:  "Can you say "Ma-ma"?"
Sprinkles:  *big toothy smile*  "Da-da!"  *Turns to look out the window into the back yard at our 2 dogs laying in the sun.* "Doggie!"
Me:  *sigh*

Picking up a plastic play phone...
Me:  "Oh hey... it's for you." *I toss the phone to Hubbs*
Hubbs:  "Ring Ring!  Hello?  Sanity? *pause* "Huh, it hung up."


Want more good time funny?  Head yonder...

www.BakingInATornado.com
http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/    
http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/                       
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                               
http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com                       
http://followmehome.shellybean.com                     
http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/            
http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/                  
http://mybrainonkids.net/                                       
http://www.findingfelicity.com/                    
www.therowdybaker.com                                      
http://smn0409.blogspot.com/                                  
www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com  
http://raising-reagan.com/               
http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com/  


... see!  We are all perfectly normal, right?  RIGHT?!?!?!  

Sweet Nothings For Your Eyes...

To my readers, every one,

I love you all!  We do have fun!

"Like" me on the Book today

Or Tweet to me without delay!

To friends all over the interwebs

Who read my blog on toilets and beds

Today's the day to show I care!

From me to you! Now... to over-share....

That is just inappropriate aviary relations.  

Look at his eyes... they soooo do not say "Yes".

This is the face Sass makes right before he Dutch Oven's me....

"I've got a seeeecret..."

"Oh Edith!  Your 8 layers of petticoats and whale bone corset 

have really got my horse and buggy trotting!"

Nuthin' says LUVIN' like a bunch of naked babies...

Oh wait....

Ummmm..... wishful thinking?

Sweet missive... or veiled threat?

"I would tell you we will be together forever, Henry, but two of my ribs just cracked and one of my lungs is collapsing.  Oh, and I'll probably die in childbirth.  Now where is my Laudanum?"

"Hey baby!  Tisket-a-tasket. Can I put my letter in your basket?"

Happy Valentine's Day, Ya'll!