Can we talk...

... about vomit?

You see, it has been on my mind a bit lately and I just thought we could... you know.... chat.

Because, as a mom, this is what I have been reduced to conversation-wise....  :)


     Lately, it has been my productive eructations that have mostly been of concern to me...  Oh Gawd... someone is toasting bread... *gag*  Eww, the baby farted... *retch*  Nooo!  Sunlight!  *urp*  (You get the picture.) but Sass put me to shame this past Friday around midnight by unleashing his pent up Dino Nuggets and peas with great gusto all over the floor and the back of his bedroom door.  Poor guy.  Enter stomach bug stage left.  While I cuddled a miserable Monkey on the couch, Hubbs tightened his belt and trudged upstairs like the true man of action that he is, armed with nothing more than a bottle of cleaner, some heavy duty paper towels, and a plastic Publix bag.  It is easy to love a man when he brings you flowers or holds your hand in public, but nothing is more amazingly sexy than one who will walk up the stairs into that digestive hell with no questions asked.  I swear.... if I wasn't already knocked up....

     While Hubbs was otherwise occupied with the enemy, I taught Sass how to prop himself up against the toilet and retch with minimum spray and maximum comfort.  It's a useful skill he will thank me for in college.  He made me so proud.... he got it all in the bowl and everything....  He is so grown up.....

Yeah.... not this cute 

                                                                        Shadowfox Graphics

Once more down the rabbit hole...

     Hey guess what!  I'm able to eat!  Supa-plus!  Okay... I am able to eat spinach, crab cakes, pickles, chili beans,  grapes aaaaand that's about it but I can eat so Whoot!  (Yeah, I know.  I don't get it either.)  I have also started having those moments where I say to myself  "Oh yeah.  I remember this symptom and I don't like this one." but I am sure there are a ton more of those in my future... Because... well... I'm just going to admit this to you guys early on.... I am absolute sh*t at being pregnant.  I love the end result with it's wiggling and intoxicating head fragrance but the growing part.... not my fav.

     To all you women that are like "I love being pregnant and isn't it wonderful that I get to carry the baby and this is the ultimate in woman-ness.." I say I hate you.  Because I am jealous.  There.  It's out.  I .  Am.  Jealous.  Maybe you are living in the far off land of De Nile or maybe it really is fun for you, I dunno... but damnit it I just can't drink your kool-aid.  It's all aching back, gas, peeing every 30 seconds, and boob sweat for me.  (Sexy, nons?)  And you natural childbirth folks.... yeah.... I don't get you either.  I mean, go you with yourself and your personal choices, but I always get pitocin-ed and there is no WAY I am riding that pain encrusted pony without protection.... like opiates.

Warning:  the follow may and will probably offend someone....
And btw, if I don't get a merit badge for sitting still while they stick a needle in my spine then you don't get one for going without one.  Let's all wave our "I had a baby flags!" not our "Well, I had a baby THIS way!" flags.

We are not Sneeches parked on the beaches.  

It's really no matter who has stars upon thars...

*Oh Dr. Suess.... you had it so right!*

     One of the main issues is with my pupation is I am stoooooopid short with NO waist and I have gargantuan babies.  I am a perfect storm of probably-would-have-been-culled-from-the-herd-100-years-ago.   In fact, at my first OB appointment after I became pregnant with Sass, my Dr. reached in, hit my pelvis and said "Boy you are small!".  Not something a girl wants to hear.  (Despite saying this, this Dr. turned out to be the most amazing OB ever and I miss him and have e-mailed him to beg him to move to Nashvegas... no dice.)  So yeah... a hot mess of "We may have to surgically re-attach a bunch of your innards once this is over."

Buuuuttt... maybe this pregnancy will be different....
   
- Maybe I will spontaneously grow 6 inches?
   
- Maybe I won't grow a baby beluga intent on joining the circus as the next new tumbling act?
   
- Maybe my body will finally get on board and just accept its punishment lot in life and stop with the hemmies, round ligament nonsense, acne, sore milk bags, narcolepsy, and Braxton-Hicks that eff with my blood pressure for 3 months?

*I think I heard a derisive snort coming from my uterus on the last one.*

     One thing I AM looking forward to (other than the sweet wiggler that doesn't like it when Mommy sleeps) is the fact that this will be the first pregnancy where Hubbs isn't studying for and/or taking a BAR exam (Once in SC.... then we moved.... and all over again in TN). He won't feel pulled in two different directions (which was really, REALLY hard on him) and I will have some excellent help 24/7.  He actually said "I think we should try and relax and enjoy this pregnancy."  Isn't that sweet?  It is, really... even though I laughed a little on the inside.  Having his full attention and his adept ability to wrangle the other two heathen beasts while I bake on 450 for 9 moths will be the awesome-est of awesomes.

Heh... ask me if I'm "enjoying" it around August, my love....  ;)

Herd THIS crazies....

Jenn from Something Clever 2.0's topic for Theme Thursday is wizard.  Like, gets-mah-blood-ta-boiling fantastic.  Vaccines, ya'll.  Effing vaccines.  Almost incoherently ranty on this one so I'll try a list to keep it focused.

1.  The study linking Autism to vaccines was INTENTIONALLY FALSIFIED.  The scientists knew there wasn't  any significant correlation between the two but needed funding so... *BOOM*.  Jenny effing McCarthy.

2. This was totally preventable.   California 2008 

3. As was all of this...  (pulled from the CDC website)

"A pertussis epidemic was declared in Washington on April 3, 2012. During 2012, 4,783 cases were reported statewide through (through January 5, 2013), compared to 965 reported cases in 2011 and 608 in 2010. Visit the Washington State Department of Health for the most recent information."

"Vermont began to describe its increases in pertussis cases as epidemic on December 13, 2012. During 2012, 632 cases were reported (through December 29, 2012), compared to 94 cases in 2011. Visit the Vermont Department of Public Health for the most recent information."

"Minnesota experienced high rates of pertussis in 2012. As of December 27, 2012, 4,433 cases were reported statewide for the year. 661 pertussis cases were reported in 2011. Visit the Minnesota Department of Health for the most recent information."

"High rates of pertussis were reported in Wisconsin during 2012. As of December 31, 2012, 5,923 cases were reported for the year. During 2011, 1,192 probable and confirmed cases were reported. Visit the Wisconsin Department of Health Services for the most recent information."

"Colorado began to describe its increases in pertussis cases as epidemic on August 20, 2012. As of December 29, 2012, 1,510 cases were reported in 2012 compared to a 2007-2011 average of 158 cases for the same time period. Visit the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment for the most recent information."

4.  The flu vaccine isn't 100% effective, no.  That is because of the nature of the virus.  It is a tough and tricksy thing that mutates constantly inside each infected host (us).  It's a survivor.  Each person essentially ends up with their own little personalized version of the virus to spread around... aren't you special!  The vaccine protects against TYPES not SPECIFIC flu viruses.  This being said, even if you get the flu after a vaccine, your body has already produced some nice generalized defensive lines, called antibodies, that will help you heal faster against any strain of the flu you may become infected with.  If you get the vaccine and you THEN get the flu, you won't get it nearly as bad.  In a child, this can be the difference between a high fever with some snot and a trip to the ER for severe respiratory distress and possible death.

5.  Hepatitis A & B will eat your liver and kill you.  The vaccine will not.  It's a no brainer.

6.  Pertussis is scary shit.  I have watched my son struggle for air on the way to the ER while crouping 3 separate times and it nearly unhinged me.  Pertussis (Whooping Cough) makes Croup look like a sunny day at a beach resort with a hot cabana boy who keeps bringing you margaritas.   Again... no brainer.  The baby doesn't even get stuck for this one initially.  Mom, if you get it in the hospital and breastfeed, your baby gets your immunity!  No needles needed.

7.  I have had Shingles. Get the effing chicken pox vaccine.  Shingles is BAD.  Like beg for death for a week bad.

8.  Fine.  You have made your decision not to Vaccinate.  You've researched and read all the papers and talked to all the mom groups... Then you know all about THIS, right?  

9.  You will put braces on your child and cause them pain for months or even years, all for beauty's sake, but you won't let them suffer 30 seconds of discomfort to save their lives?  Yeah.... you are a kind of crazy even prayer can't help.

Look, if you choose not to get your family or yourself vaccinated, I won't worry for my kids because they have already gotten their needle stick and a sucker, but I will worry for yours.  And I will talk about you behind your back.

Want more?  Check these folks out!

Wordless Wednesday - Twins?

(You see... that title was funny (*urp*) for me because twins are an effing TERRIFYING idea right now...)

My bloggy Homey Meara, from My Home Is With You, posted these on mah FB timeline the other day and I must say, I was left a bit speechless (Hubbs wants to know your secret, Meara!)  These are pictures of our daughters who are only a couple months apart (if that) in age.

Hers                           Mine

Hers?                        Mine?  

or 

Mine?                         Hers?

Ain't mah first... or even second rodeo.....

     I'm pregnant!  ... and Hubbs and I are ecstatic.  Well, I am when I don't have my head hanging over a toilet bowl... then I'm just sick and all I can think about is how miserable I am.  (Btw, I REALLY need to work with Sass on proper aim because lifting the lid to WWPee does not help my urpage response.) But the rest of the time I am ecstatic.

     It's still really early on but I had to break the news to co-workers and family because, with the recent Norovirus scare, people were beginning to think I was seriously contagious.  "No honey, what I got you can't catch."  At least not from me.  And yes... I am already puking and excitable but if ONE MORE EFFING PERSON SAYS THE WORD "TWINS"... I cannot be held responsible for my actions and I will not pay to get the blood out of the carpet when I am finished.

*sigh*

     All of this will probably ultimately culminate in a c-section (due to some issues with the last delivery) which, after 2 vaggies, I am kind of looking forward to.  I mean... you get to skip the cat-sized hemies, right?  And they give you better drugs, right?  Ooooo *claps hands excitedly* I DO hope so.  My impending pupation also means that you all will probably get to hear me do every thing from rant uncontrollably to wax maudlinly poetic about the joys *AHEM* of pregnancy until sometime in November so... count yourself warned.  :)

1 and 2...

           

.... 3?!?!?!
 

Survivalist Parenting

     Parenting style, huh?  Ooooo... this is a good Theme Thursday, Jenn from Something Clever 2.0.  (Yes, yes... I know it's Friday but my inspiration came on a bit late.  Apparently my Muses keep college student hours.)  A bit dangerous even, as folks seem to really get their panties in a bunch over whether they/you are Attachment, Organic, Authoritative, Child Lead, Tiger,  Disciplinarian....   So what are we?  Are we "Spare the rod, spoil the child?" kind of parents?   ... hmmmm no.  Sass is using the rod as a super-battle-katana right now and who am I to stop him from defeating ultimate evil?  Let them "lead" us?  ...  Yeah, no.  We'd live at McDonald's and the zoo 24/7 if we did that.  But what is our parenting goal?  How do I classify the Hubbs and I? ... heh... I've got it...

Survivalist Parenting Style

Yup, that sounds about right and here are our goals.

1.  Nobody becomes an axe murderer.  (Either the kids, because we screwed them up or us, because the little heathens are completely out of control.)

2.  That our sweet littles gain a true appreciation for nature... because we kick their wild little butts outside to pester the dogs when things get rowdy.  Dogs can't say "no".

3.  That they learn to respect authority figures.  Like the po-po.  Just don't get caught my lovelies or Daddy and I will make jail look like chocolate covered heaven.

4.  We want them to enjoy learning... about stuff like gravity.  We are still working on this one as Sass STILL thinks the stairs are a launching pad.  Apparently face first onto hardwood really isn't that much of a deterrent.

5.  We want them to learn the value of friendship... even the imaginary ones.

6.  To be kind, not kind of.  In other words, be nice for reals because people know when you are faking it.  If you don't have anything nice to say then don't go ahead and say it as you turn the corner because I have the ears of a bat.  A BAT, my adorable little pocket gophers.

7.  That they know how much we love them and that when we say... 

No!

Cut that out!

Have you lost your MIND?

Why-oh-why did THAT seem like a good idea?

Spit that out!  That is NOT food.

If you do that one more time....!

That is NOT a jungle gym!

... we actually mean "I love you and you are amazing.".  Awww... *hugs*

8.  That they are unstoppable and can do (almost) anything.  (see # 4 and I'll just throw in an eyeroll here on the "flying" thing.)

     There are other important things like don't wipe poop on the walls, talking really loudly over whoever is trying to have a conversation is not cute, and trying to sumo wrestle strangers is generally frowned upon but those are just cherries on our Chitlin' Rearin' sundae.  Bonus points for getting them to stop picking their noses in public...

Whoo!  Here's to their college fund not going to Rehab or Bail!

Now head on over here to check out some more awesomeness on the subject!

Apple Butter My A$$

So I am sharing this today at Hubbs suggestion... because it is always funnier when it doesn't happen to him.

*sigh*

I was about 2 tons pregnant with Sass Monkey and only able to wear jersey skirts and flip flops at the time this... travesty happened.

     Hubbs and I were lazily roaming around the grocery store one Saturday afternoon (because we could do that back then.  If I had known what a cluster grocery shopping would become, I would have enjoyed it more while I could.) looking for tasty, fattening things I could shove in my pie hole to make the gawd awful constant hunger go away.  As we passed the peanut butter and jelly section  I spied with my little eye something quite delicious.  A giant jar of Apple Butter.  As I maneuvered my gargantuan belly around for a better look, I hit the rows of neatly stacked containers and knocked a big 'ol jar of the stuff right off onto the floor where it promptly exploded like it had been loaded with gun powder... all over my legs.  Now, what color is apple butter?  Poop brown, you say?  Why yes, yes it is.  AND it's chunky?  Mmmm... even better.  I looked down an realized the tissues in my purse we NOT going to be able to handle this.  I was going to need to go to the ladies room ...  all the way at the other end of the store.... as a giant pregnant lady... who looked like I had VERY messily shat myself.

     I looked up desperately at Hubbs who was laughing uncontrollably.  Did he walk me to the restroom?  No... no he didn't.  HE wanted to wait for the attendant to come to clean it up.  Didn't want anyone to walk through it and slip, you know?  Because it was such a hard mess to miss being gigantic, everywhere, and brown.

     So I held my head high and marched through the store, past all the people at the check-out, and into the ladies room.  I could feel their eyes on the back of my head as surely as I could feel the sticky, lumpy mess run down my legs to plop on the ground with each step I took.  After I had cleaned up, I walked out and made eye contact with the nearest checker, just daring her to say something.  But nobody did so we finished our shopping and left, me fairly REEKING of apples the entire time....

Ah yes... good times, good times.

Powerful Wordless Wednesday

The cat puppet gets more love than I do.

Mind the Bat, now.  He's fierce.

Oh my craft-ness!

So, I wouldn't consider myself "crafty" but Hubbs and I did something so amazingly awesome this weekend, I just had to share.  I would also like to say that this was totally spontaneous and completely a collaborative effort.  And we made it up as we went along... and it actually worked.  I know, right?  (Also, I am apologizing to those of you on the Book as I bombarded you with photos this weekend.  But d*mn, we are that proud.)

We bought:
12 small succulent plants - Home Depot
1 sheet (?) of white plastic lattice - Home Depot
1 package of heavy duty but bendable wire - Home Depot
1 bag of moisture control potting soil - Home Depot
1 package of wall screws with white anchors
12 pint mason jars - Publix
5 bags of river rocks - Dollar Tree
3 bags of moss - Dollar Tree

We started like this...

And while I filled the jars,

(Rocks on the bottom for drainage, a layer of moss, and then soil)

Hubbs pre-drilled several holes into the lattice, marked out where they would go into the wall, and put in the anchor screws.

(It's kind of hard to see, but the white dots are the anchors for the screws.)

We then measured out lengths of wire and attached it to the lattice by wrapping it around the back and leaving enough to wrap around the lip of the jars at least once.

(Ignore the feral onion.)

Then we hung the lattice and just wrapped the wire around the jars and ... BOOM!  Instant LIVING living room art the kids can't touch! (or eat)

I think we will edge it in some kind of white trim to define it a bit more but it looks pretty good now...

Afterwards, I used the lids from the jars to make coasters for the super awesome cedar chest Hubbs refinished for a coffee table....

And then I just went batsh*t and the feral onion became part of a kitchen center piece, but we will see how long that lasts.  It has started to give me the shark eye and I heard talk of rebellion from the potatoes in the drawer.  You can't get anything past a potato... not with all those eyes....

Oh, my baby is SO environmentally friendly...

     Last weekend, I decided that I was going to add some pizzazz to our front stoop courtesy of some cheap annuals and some planters from Sam's.  I went all out, I know.  Spared no expense... One quick trip to the Homey Depot and we became the proud eventual executioners caretakers of a couple of families of pansies.  Lucky us.  I thought it would be nice to try and include the kids (why, oh WHY do I keep thinking these delusional things?) so I hauled them out front with me for a little bonding time (though I would have preferred bondage by the end of it... as in binding both of them with duct tape to a tree out front).

     I got halfway through planting one pot before Sass was streaking around the yard with a hand trowel and a fierce need to either eviscerate himself or permanently go pirate (Arg, ladies! Would you like take a peek under me eye-patch?) and Sprinkles was... she was...  What is she...?  Wait.  Where did she get chocolate?  Oh... that's not chocolate....

     Mah dear Sprinkles was bent over the plastic potting soil bag, cheerily and vigorously shoving heaping handfuls of Miracle Grow's Best into her mouth.  Because, you know, you just can't eat one....  Like it was effing potato chips.  She just looked at me and cracked a giant, black and gritty grin... and then belched muddily.  Okay ya'll... time to go inside.  You win.