Pants Ass-assination....

I love Dr. Seuss.  I love his Red Fish and his Blue Fish!  I love his Sneetches with stars or not upon thars!  I love his Cat, Hat, and all of that.  I even love the Zax (but I will admit to being partial to the South Going one).  Oh mah gawd.... and "Too Many Daves"?  There are never too many!  (Especially You, Oliver Boliver Butt, you are my favorite.)  But when I saw Ninja Mom's "Character Assassination Carousel", I wanted IN... because of those damn green pants.  You heard me.  The.  Green.  Pants.  The story is actually called "What Was I Scared Of?" but in my scarred preschooler psyche it was (and is still) called "The Pale Green Pants With Nobody Inside Them!"

Doesn't sound too bad, huh?  Well, just let me show you....

It starts out innocently enough.  That cute little yellow guy is out for a walk in the moonlight....

Doesn't he look sweet?  Not a care in the world... until...

Wait?  What's that up there in the corner of the page coming from the deepest, darkest part of the wood?  Ghost Pants?  Pale GREEN Ghost Pants?  Now, I'm no fool but I have seen "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and I know that when ghosts missing their important bits come streaking out of the deepest, darkest part of the wood, they are hell bent on blood and total destruction.  Run Little Yellow Man, Run!

What kind of children's book is this?  I mean, look at him!  He's terrified ..  And the pants don't stop at chasing him through the forest... Oh no!  They find him at the Supermarket...

(What is Up with that pale green Butt?  How can you have a finely sculpted pair of glutes when you have nobody inside you?  Talk about an unattainable body image!)

They find him while he's trying to relax and go fishing....

(Wait.... how are the pants rowing?  Super spooky pants magic, that's how!)

Then there is the most disturbing of the attacks.  *The following may not be suitable for young viewers* After spending an inordinate amount of time wedged uncomfortably in a Brickle Bush trembling in abject terror...

(Just look at that poor little yellow face!  Oh when will this emotional torture stop?)

our thoroughly abused yellow friend is forced to leave the relative safety of his Brickle Bush by starvation and dehydration.

(Just look at the rings around his eyes, the defeated slump of his shoulders... this guy is one small sneeze away from a nervous breakdown)

Having lost all patience, the malevolent outerwear decided to pounce...

Ah!  The lost innocence!  The capturing of this egregious act in such lurid detail between the cardboard covers of this bedtime-book-gone-wrong is almost too much to bear!  How I weep for you, Little Yellow Dude!  You can almost see his mind begin to break in his red ringed eyes as the Stockholm Syndrome begins to take hold...  Survival at its most base and desperate level....

See the blankness in his eyes?  His brain has shut down to spare him the conscious understanding of his personal hell....  The horror!  No Sweet Yellow Man!  The Pants are not your friend   ... but he can't hear me for he is lost..... *sob*

Check out all of the awesomeness here.  There is an amazingly hilarious list of past assassinations that will leave you wondering why you thought "Goodnight Moon", Curious George, and many, MANY other "beloved" children's classics were ever a good idea.  :)

And check out Lisa at Wine & Glue for her take on that naughty, subversive little Pigeon in "Don't Let The Pigeon Stay Up Late!", and "TAG" Jesse at Do Your Job!  You're it!  Let the hijinks ensue.....