Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Pants Ass-assination....

I love Dr. Seuss.  I love his Red Fish and his Blue Fish!  I love his Sneetches with stars or not upon thars!  I love his Cat, Hat, and all of that.  I even love the Zax (but I will admit to being partial to the South Going one).  Oh mah gawd.... and "Too Many Daves"?  There are never too many!  (Especially You, Oliver Boliver Butt, you are my favorite.)  But when I saw Ninja Mom's "Character Assassination Carousel", I wanted IN... because of those damn green pants.  You heard me.  The.  Green.  Pants.  The story is actually called "What Was I Scared Of?" but in my scarred preschooler psyche it was (and is still) called "The Pale Green Pants With Nobody Inside Them!"

Doesn't sound too bad, huh?  Well, just let me show you....



It starts out innocently enough.  That cute little yellow guy is out for a walk in the moonlight....


Doesn't he look sweet?  Not a care in the world... until...


Wait?  What's that up there in the corner of the page coming from the deepest, darkest part of the wood?  Ghost Pants?  Pale GREEN Ghost Pants?  Now, I'm no fool but I have seen "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and I know that when ghosts missing their important bits come streaking out of the deepest, darkest part of the wood, they are hell bent on blood and total destruction.  Run Little Yellow Man, Run!
What kind of children's book is this?  I mean, look at him!  He's terrified ..  And the pants don't stop at chasing him through the forest... Oh no!  They find him at the Supermarket...

(What is Up with that pale green Butt?  How can you have a finely sculpted pair of glutes when you have nobody inside you?  Talk about an unattainable body image!)
They find him while he's trying to relax and go fishing....

(Wait.... how are the pants rowing?  Super spooky pants magic, that's how!)
Then there is the most disturbing of the attacks.  *The following may not be suitable for young viewers* After spending an inordinate amount of time wedged uncomfortably in a Brickle Bush trembling in abject terror...

(Just look at that poor little yellow face!  Oh when will this emotional torture stop?)
our thoroughly abused yellow friend is forced to leave the relative safety of his Brickle Bush by starvation and dehydration.

(Just look at the rings around his eyes, the defeated slump of his shoulders... this guy is one small sneeze away from a nervous breakdown)
Having lost all patience, the malevolent outerwear decided to pounce...


Ah!  The lost innocence!  The capturing of this egregious act in such lurid detail between the cardboard covers of this bedtime-book-gone-wrong is almost too much to bear!  How I weep for you, Little Yellow Dude!  You can almost see his mind begin to break in his red ringed eyes as the Stockholm Syndrome begins to take hold...  Survival at its most base and desperate level....


See the blankness in his eyes?  His brain has shut down to spare him the conscious understanding of his personal hell....  The horror!  No Sweet Yellow Man!  The Pants are not your friend   ... but he can't hear me for he is lost..... *sob*


Check out all of the awesomeness here.  There is an amazingly hilarious list of past assassinations that will leave you wondering why you thought "Goodnight Moon", Curious George, and many, MANY other "beloved" children's classics were ever a good idea.  :)
And check out Lisa at Wine & Glue for her take on that naughty, subversive little Pigeon in "Don't Let The Pigeon Stay Up Late!", and "TAG" Jesse at Do Your Job!  You're it!  Let the hijinks ensue.....

16 comments:

  1. This is exactly the kind of thing I love in an assassination. Nailed it!

    "Run, Little Yellow Man, run!"

    Still giggling. . . Thanks for playing along!

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    1. Why thank you for the opportunity! Being able to take my demons out for a little exercise was fun... ;)

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  2. LOL!!! Following from the TGIF Blog Hop! Hope you have a wonderful evening!
    Nicky
    www.feelingtheemptynest.com

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  3. Love it!!! I am visiting with the TGIF blog hop. Followed you.


    http://agutandabutt.blogspot.com/#

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  4. Hi! New follower from the Aloha Hop! I cracked up at this, love it!

    technicolor-moments.blogspot.com

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  5. Hi!
    Newest follower (GFC, bloglovin', twitter and instagram)from TGIF hop, will you follow back? I hope yes ;)
    MammaNene

    SergerPepper.blogspot.it

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  6. Hilarious, some kids books (movies) just don't seem to understand kids at all! :) Danica

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  7. Well, if I ever see a pair of green pants chasing me, I am going to burn that whole forest to the ground.

    It is the only way to be sure.

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    1. Seems like a good and rational response to me. :) I would go get the gasoline for you.

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  8. How in the living pants did I not know this book existed?! I'm going to the library in the morning with The Minions, and am going to make it my mission to find and read this book.

    Also: I had a pair of pants that stalked me once. It turned out to be a bunch of gnomes stacked on top of each other, and they just wanted my cookies. Apparently, the elves cut them off.

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    1. It's at the back of the one with the Sneetches... and sorry about the gnomes. They be tricksy devils....

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  9. I'll have to go check out that list. There so many stories I couldn't wait to read to my son. I had my read with enthusiasm voice all set for Bernastein - Bears in the Night and he was scared of it. Then quite a bit of Grimms Fairytales are dark. It made me wonder how did I know the stories and did my parents read them to me? TALU

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    1. The Bears always freaked me out... they have these sharp pointy fingers that just looked like they were up to no good. And Ah! Grimms Tales! They speak to our inner core. Stories told over generations molded into what speaks (or spoke) to us culturally. Want to know why they stir us so? "Try The Uses of Enchantment" by Bruno Bettelheim... fairytales will never look the same!

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  10. Oh this made me laugh out loud! I so often read my kids stories and think who the hell thought this was a good idea for a kids book!

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  11. SO FUNNY! i was TERRIFIED of The Pants when i was little!!! they still give me the heebie jeebies. we have a dr. seuss anthology and i have consciously (conscientiously?) spared my littles of that nightmare-inducing story for most of their happy existence, so you can imagine my horror when i heard the hubs starting in on The Pants over the baby monitor the other night. i hightailed it back to the room yelling "STOP! DON'T DO IT!" but it was too late... innocence lost ;)

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