Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Substitutes ARE awesome!

Hi ya'll!  May I introduce Christy and her delightful blog called Mother of the Year.  Don't let the title fool you, though... she's just as depraved as the rest of us.  ;)  This incredibly brave woman actually wanted to have her work appear on my blog!  Really?  You're sure about this, Christy?  ;)
So, without further adieu, I will hand the mic to Christy and let 'er rip, girl!
My name is Christy and I am today’s substitute blogger…kind of like a substitute teacher, only cooler. I don’t know about you but I had some pretty lame substitute teachers in my time. Of course, we all loved having subs because subs didn’t know the rules, your seating chart, or even who was who. You could sit wherever you wanted and claim to be your best friend and the sub wouldn’t know the difference.  “Yes, Mrs. Substitute, our teacher always lets us pass notes and have pop in class!”
 Sometimes I wonder if subs really were as dumb as they seemed or if they just didn’t care….like when I babysit. “Sure kid, cuss all you want. Not my kid, not my problem. Have as much candy as you want. Not my kid, not my problem….unless you’re staying overnight, at which point your sugar-induced self becomes my problem.” Joking (especially if any of my friends are reading this)!
 I definitely don’t do these things when I babysit. The children are fed strictly healthy foods, watch only educational shows, and recite *insert personal religion here* verses all day long when I babysit. *snicker, snicker* If you’re not religious at all, we discuss the meaning of life, but we don’t go over the circle of life unless it pertains to the Lion King.  I don’t even want to have that talk with my own daughters, let alone another kid. That’s your job!
I have every intention of having “THE TALK” with my kids via handing them a couple of pamphlets and asking if they have any questions. Of course, they will be horrified and answer no. They probably won’t look me in the eye for a couple of weeks, but that’s okay. Once the awkwardness passes, my husband and I will no longer have to have code-words so that’s good. We currently spell things out but I know it’s a matter of time before my oldest daughter says, “What’s birth control?” We will then act dumb and pretend to not know what she is talking about. “I just heard you say that you hoped to get your p-e-r-i-o-d next week because the b-i-r-t-h c-o-n-t-r-o-l failed last night when you were having s-e-x! So what is birth control?” Damn kids and damn schools for teaching the damn kids to spell. Who says literacy is good thing? I can’t even have private talks with my children anymore. Forget having a little privacy, there isn’t a place in this house that doesn’t get busted in on by a little person within 30 seconds. Spelling was our last plan of action. Now what?
As you can probably tell, I’m not ever going to win Mother of the Year. If you want to read more about my failures as Mother of the Year….or just need to feel better about your own parenting, check out my blog at http://notgonnawin.blogspot.com/. It’s great and guaranteed to prove to you that you are not the terrible mom you think you are!

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