Except...
Except...
If one more unfortunate soul makes one more pregnancy comment I will temporarily suspend my stance concerning non-violence towards the mentally feeble and leave nothing of their passing but a rusty stain in the carpeting. I have been holding off on snarky, bad tempered come-backs because it is polite... of me. They aren't actively TRYING to be assholes, right?... they just can't help it. It must be ingrained in their DNA and, not unlike sharks, they just have to bite the surfboard. Or poke the bear...
But I can still write them, you know. And let's just be truthful with ourselves here... I WILL start saying these things in a month or so. I will have to divert all energy from non-essential programming, like my verbal filter, to programs that help me concentrate on not peeing when I sneeze.
Responses to Observations On My Very Obvious Pregnancy And Its Aftermath:
"You sure there's just one in there?" (Mind you, I am only 17 weeks and already very pregnant looking. This is SOOOOOO "poking the bear".)
- Great... you think I'm fat?
- One what?
- You know we aren't cats, right?
- Go make yourself useful and get me a doughnut.
- No shit.
- No shit.
- No shit, Sherlock.
"You know how that happens, right?" (I hate this one so very, very much.)
- Actually I have no idea. Be a dear and draw me a diagram.
- I knew I shouldn't have swallowed.
- How "what" happens?
- Only when the kids are asleep. *evil grin and awkward pause*
And to you crazy blue hairs who think it's okay to touch my belly... you do realize I am just pregnant, not paralyzed, right? My arms and hands still work just fine and I will hurt you. I am going to start hissing at the Grandma Grabbies while walking away quickly.
Grr..
You're cracking my shit UP with this one! It's generous of you every time that you don't bitchslap someone who says anything like this to you. Hang in there Mama! Almost there ;) I'd share an icy cold rocketpop with you if I could!!
ReplyDeleteMmmm... Rocketpops... yesss.... They are really lucky it's so hot. It just saps your will for violence...
DeleteAww I was in your position last year so I feel your pain. I was Due July 20, but had Baby girl on July 17th- They said it was the hottest day of the year.
ReplyDeleteOh gawd no! I have to admit that I am glad I am NOT going through the third trimester in this... though I will be in August. Yick.
DeleteOHH!!!! I know!!! Seeing how I am NOT pregnant, I should stand with you and go "wait...you think I am pregnant?!?! There isn't one of ANYTHING inside of me!! ". I put money on that one not happening again!!! :-) Or the second ones go "but wait...can't I bring them to your house and let them play?" Or I could respond to the 3rd one with "no but my husband and I were wondering how that worked. Can you tell me? We thought about a book, but the people at the book store just laughed at us. I would LOVE if you could tell me". Or I could just hit them and throw them out the window. Its your call.
ReplyDeleteI wish our windows opened....
DeleteWhat IS it with the whole grabbing of the belly?
ReplyDeleteLike you specifically put it out front and in large in case complete strangers are looking for something to rub.
I know.
Maybe they have a death wish?
DeleteYou SHOULD use those. I'm lucky that I was never touched. I think my old martial arts training would have kicked in, and I would have broken some old lady's wrist. If you assault me, I'll assault you right the F back!
ReplyDeleteAnd I do, want to break their wrist, that is... but I am just so big and hot and tired.....
DeleteI love your attitude, girl! And I feel every bit of it!
ReplyDelete