Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Sandals of Eternal Stench (Sorry "Labyrinth"...)

   My kids' feet really reek.  I mean, an invisible-stone-wall-of-impenetrable-funk kinda stink.  These tiny, adorable, wiggly pink nubs on the ends of their legs create so much odiferous flavor that they will chase grown men out of a large and well-ventilated room.  You can smell it, taste it, and SEE it.

     It's sandal season, you see, and despite, you know, being SANDALS  (shoes with openings and stuff to let air in and out) they grow such a funk that I am considering writing Washington and suggesting these tiny WMDs as an ecologically friendly alternative to mustard gas.  I have washed their shoes in hot water, cold water with Dawn, detergent, and baby shampoo.  I have air dried them, sun dried them, and even soaked them in Purell hoping that the alcohol would at least make a dent in the alarmingly prolific stink-bacteria colony that is so obviously inhabiting my childrens' toes.  I wash their feet every night in a combination of antibacterial hand soap and fervent prayer because HOLYHAIRYJEEZUS JUST MAKE IT STOP!  I will sacrifice a goat if I have to.

     Sprinkels' new favorite activity is to whip her shoes off the minute we are all nicely trapped buckled into the car.  We don't just have to crack a window... we have to open all four full-bore and the sunroof and then you STILL get hit with grey-matter-melting whiffs now and then at a stop light or when making slow turns.  This makes any kind of long distance travel quite impossible.  And while eating a delicious dinner of bratwurst, peas, and fruit salad last night I was almost completely thrown off my food by the insidiously creeping guerilla-stench emanating from beneath the table.

It's a bit embarrassing.  What must their teachers think?  We bathe them, really we do.  Daily, in fact.  We are not dirty people!  And we could buy them new shoes but this would still happen.  Within a week of purchase, the merciless fetor would begin to wind its way back in and we can't afford to buy new shoes every month...  can we?

So.... what do we do?  It's already this bad and the true heat of summer hasn't even hit us yet.  Oh gawd... just imagine July and August!  *gag*

If anyone has a suggestion, I would really LOVE to hear it!  We need help!  I am sending out a De-Stink S.O.S.!


  1. Is soaking their feet in bleach going too far? Yeah, probably. Bite the bullet and buy new shoes. Leather, not "upper of man-made materials. "

  2. baking soda? i think Dr sholes makes a shoe spray.

  3. This is hilarious! We may have accidentally purchased a smelly brand is the brand, right?!? Did I mention the pair was mine? ;)

  4. Peppermint. It's a great deodorizer. And it shouldn't harm them. Also start pushing water so it can clear out their system, and they won't smell as bad. But I do pity you stinky shoes are something else.

    Heidi’s Wanderings