10 Reasons Why Outside Kiddy Pool Time Should Not Double As Bath Time
(and for all of you that are all like "Well, duh."... bite me.)
1. Bugs. As in, Mosquito bites where the sun don't shine. No bueno when one is dealing with a Disney Princess Pull-Up.
2. Grass Clippings. Dried grass clippings. Everywhere. The kids are fine while in the pool... but then the little albino demon-weasels get OUT of the pool to careen around the yard and eventually bust it. Have you ever tried to scrape grass clippings out of a 4 year olds armpits? No? Well... lucky you.
3. Neighbors. One of our neighbors is a Psychology Professor at a local college. He walked out on his deck last night, took one look at the sudsy, muddy mayhem, turned back around and went inside. Freud THAT, pendejo.... but please don't call DCS.
4. Hose water is roughly the same temperature as glacial melt water. I could just fill the pool with ice cubes and get about the same reaction from my children as I dump cups of frigid "torture liquid" over their heads.
5. My childrens' bums are so pale they actually glow. They act as a sort of "beacon of shame" for any passers by who aren't used to our family antics and might be jonesing for a reason to overreact. Again... please don't call DCS.
6. Potty training. What does this have to do with bathing in a kiddy pool, you ask? Well... not IN the kiddy pool, per say, but when your daughter decides to bolt out of the pool so she can do her dooty in the grass in front of God-n-everybody, then it has everything to do with bathing in the kiddy pool. Because when you are naked outside, apparently that means you are also free of even the most basic of social restraints... like dropping a dood in public... loudly... in the grass. In her defense, it looked incredibly satisfying.
7. Clean-up. You can't just pull the plug like in the tub... you have to drain the whole damn pool. Otherwise you will end up with what looks like crop circles in your carefully cultivated
weed patch grass.
8. Your children will smell like baby shampoo... and grass. I'll just let their teachers try and figure out that one on their own today. You know... keep 'em guessing.
9. As you try to cleanse them in said glacial melt, your children will scream and yell like they are being seriously injured... slowly. This will be loud enough to draw the attention of still more neighbors and curious passers by. Also, saying things like "But it's just like camping." may give the wrong impression to your sweet littles and cause them to suddenly get the shakes anytime anyone even mentions the word "tent".
10. Did I mention the grass clippings? They get into everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. No crevice was safe. It was like we had dipped my babies in elmers and rolled them in glitter except that would have been cute and this was not. It looked like someone had rolled warm, sticky marshmallows in a leaf pile.
So yeah... lesson learned.
But we tried... and THAT'S the most important part, right? RIGHT?!?!