Apple Butter My A$$

So I am sharing this today at Hubbs suggestion... because it is always funnier when it doesn't happen to him.

*sigh*

I was about 2 tons pregnant with Sass Monkey and only able to wear jersey skirts and flip flops at the time this... travesty happened.

     Hubbs and I were lazily roaming around the grocery store one Saturday afternoon (because we could do that back then.  If I had known what a cluster grocery shopping would become, I would have enjoyed it more while I could.) looking for tasty, fattening things I could shove in my pie hole to make the gawd awful constant hunger go away.  As we passed the peanut butter and jelly section  I spied with my little eye something quite delicious.  A giant jar of Apple Butter.  As I maneuvered my gargantuan belly around for a better look, I hit the rows of neatly stacked containers and knocked a big 'ol jar of the stuff right off onto the floor where it promptly exploded like it had been loaded with gun powder... all over my legs.  Now, what color is apple butter?  Poop brown, you say?  Why yes, yes it is.  AND it's chunky?  Mmmm... even better.  I looked down an realized the tissues in my purse we NOT going to be able to handle this.  I was going to need to go to the ladies room ...  all the way at the other end of the store.... as a giant pregnant lady... who looked like I had VERY messily shat myself.

     I looked up desperately at Hubbs who was laughing uncontrollably.  Did he walk me to the restroom?  No... no he didn't.  HE wanted to wait for the attendant to come to clean it up.  Didn't want anyone to walk through it and slip, you know?  Because it was such a hard mess to miss being gigantic, everywhere, and brown.

     So I held my head high and marched through the store, past all the people at the check-out, and into the ladies room.  I could feel their eyes on the back of my head as surely as I could feel the sticky, lumpy mess run down my legs to plop on the ground with each step I took.  After I had cleaned up, I walked out and made eye contact with the nearest checker, just daring her to say something.  But nobody did so we finished our shopping and left, me fairly REEKING of apples the entire time....

Ah yes... good times, good times.