Thursday, September 27, 2012

Nature shows, crime scene clean up, and hog-tying

     You know when you are watching one of those nature shows because you figured it was safe and it wouldn't send you careening out of the room, sobbing, screaming, and cursing the networks for actually thinking that THAT violent nonsense was ENTERTAINMENT?!?!?  And then you realize, it’s NOT safe because they keep right. on. filming. while the wolves/lions/weasels/creatures-with-sharp-pointy-teeth begin to maul the helpless wildabeast/rabbit/deer/creature-with-no-pointy-teeth-that-Disney-likes-to-anthropomorphize-and-you-had-sitting-on-your-bed-until-you-went-to-college?  And then you are forced to sit there, stunned and motionless, until the squealing and twitching stops?  But they were supposed to pan away while playing sad music…. *gulp*  Yeah, that’s about what watching Sprinkles go after her birthday cupcake was like last night.  There was purple icing and chocolate cake guts EVERYWHERE!  She didn’t end its suffering quickly either… she played with it for a while before going in for the kill.  It.  Was.  Brutal.  She loved every minute and morsel.  She even growled a bit while chewing.  J

Nothing says "heartless killer" like finger painting with their guts!

     And then came the REALLY hard part… choosing who got the bath duty and who got crime scene clean up.  Daddy is SUCH a trooper.  He went all dude-in-a-hazmat-suit on the highchair, table, floor, and walls (and probably the ceiling) until not even Grissom would have been able to tell whodunit.  I got bath time.  Bath time is nice, bath time is fun.  Bath time ends in towel snuggles and tooth brushing, right?  My problems started when I realized that, in her kill-frenzy, Sprinkles had dropped a GIANT duce and I got to play the “Is it Cake or is it Poop?” game while I cleaned her up.  Chocolate bits and icing floating in the tub water is one thing…. No one wants to sit in hot, moist poop flakes.   I think even Sass Monkey would draw the line on at that one.  (Yes.  He has lines.  Just not very many.)  Finally everyone got in the tub and the scraping ( I mean scrubbing) began.  Kids have no problem getting cake IN their nose, it’s getting it OUT that makes them howl like they are accused witches and I am the Spanish Inquisition.  Like they don’t pick out boogers with their fingers ALL THE D*MN TIME, and you’d think a soft washcloth would be a welcome change, but NO!  Thrashing, screeching, flailing - and SOMEBODY always get kicked in the face - until I am eventually forced to employ pinning techniques usually used on farm animals at vet check-ups… or tagging….  And then quiet, happy, CLEAN children.  Except now the water is purple with lots of dark bits floating in it so we go for an empty and a refill which THEN leads to fights/scrambling over who gets to play with the water as it pours out of the faucet….  *sigh*  More farm animal pinning…  I’ve got the guns of a Hungarian body builder.

All in all, I would say we had a very successful mini-birthday party.  The REAL pink-encrusted, sparkle-fest for family and friends is on Saturday.  Maybe I should look into renting a pressure washer.....