Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bitten by the Love Bug... and a few other things.

     Ah yes... February!  The most misspelled month of the year!  The month of LUUUUV! (Yeah, because we all love sleet, freezing mud, and drippy noses.  Nothing says love like a kiss that leaves a slime trail.  I dub thee "Snail Kiss".)  Time to buy crappy valentines for my kids to hand out in class and shave my legs (because that is my Valentine's gift to my husband.  It also works for Christmas.)  Let's all let Hallmark dictate our affections and prepare ourselves for the delicate nibble of the Love Bug.

     Wait.  Ew.  Bug bites usually aren't sexy.  Have you ever seen chigger bites?  Not pretty.  And they are especially not pretty when the bite you in your *AHEM* love bits.  (Note:  Never sit on a fallen log in the woods in the summer.)  And who gets all hot and bothered over a mosquito bite?  Well, not THAT kind of hot and bothered, anyway.  They sell creams for that.

     As I contemplated this "Love Bug" concept during a few quite moments on my car ride to work this morning, I eventually (and quite predictably) ended up going a very different direction.  "Ug.  Bug bites aren't sexy.  Geeze, I have had tons and none of them ever "revved my engines".  You know, I have been bitten by a bunch of stuff and I can safely say that these bites did nothing for me in the britches department."  This train of thought lead me to a mental list that I thought I would share with you.  Because.

(or at least gummed me harshly)
(that I can remember)

      Dog – Never seriously.
Cat  - That’s how they show love, right?
Wild Rabbit – More scratched all to hell, really.  I kept trying to pick him up…  J
Horse – Fingers, apples… what’s the difference?
Field Mouse – Guess what!  They don’t like to be trapped in a ball-cap and heavily petted!  Who knew?
Water Snake – Through a bug net.  Hey... don't judge... I used a net!
Fence Lizard – Cute but vicious…
Anole – And they sell these blood thirsty heathens at Pet Smart and advertise them as “Great pets for children!”
Toddler – no surprise there...
Husband – Definitely NOT self defense.  J
Sister – Because they are evil.
Random small children – I used to work at a pre-school.  'Nough said.  I have also had 8 kinds of ringworm. 
Various spiders - *shudder*
Wood Beetle – On the boob in my bed!  The audacity of it!
Baby Snake of Indiscriminate Parentage – I just wanted to snuggle.
Horned Toad – They don’t ALWAYS fall “asleep” when you turn them on their backs.
Baby Ducks – Don’t let all that sweet, yellow fluff fool you… little effers have teeth! 
Calf – Fingers and bottle nipples are very similar in consistency.
Box Turtle – I am the only person EVER who has been bitten by a box turtle.  They just don’t bite.  The   pediatrician didn't believe my poor mother when she tried to explain why her daughter had a nasty looking bruise on her stomach at my 3 yr old check up.  I expect a file was started…
Gerbil – Spawn of Satan
Killdeer – But the babies are so CUUUUTE!
Blue Bird – In MY defense, I thought she was unconscious.
Skink – Didn't see that one coming….
Crayfish – Pinched, really…
Catfish – Only noodled once.  Never.  Again.
Chipmunk – Strangely enough, they don’t like being caught in ball-caps either…

I just need to stop grabbing sh*t, huh?

So yeah, lots of bites but no surging passions or ripped bodices.  That Love Bug is a dirty liar.

These are actual "Love Bugs".  
Yeah... NOT SEXY!


*I was not raised in a cave or by wolves.  I was raised to be curious… and to be good buddies with the Neosporin.*


  1. Everything about this makes me want to itch or run away screaming!I'm with you on the sister thing!

    1. Creams help with the itching. Not with the sisters, though. Beating helps that.

  2. wow! You had quite a menagerie!! I love it!!

    1. Well, most of these were just wild creatures I molested.... ;)

  3. I've been bitten by an Anole too. I just left him (her?) attached to my finger until I got it back in the cage.

    1. They do NOT let go, do they? I was trying to show Hubby's nieces how cute they were and had grabbed one off the fence in the back yard. Needless to say I didn't really convince them...