Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Painting a sandwich....

     It was nice yesterday.  The sky was blue, the weeds were growing green in my garden, and I swear I felt the first gentle nudgings of Spring.  And, of course, all the stores are throwing it in your face with the pastel Easter decorations, over-priced patio furniture, and... *gulp* bathing suits.

     Bikinis, bikinis everywhere and not a scrap of fabric more.  Ones with sparkles (yay!), ones with tassels (ummm...), ones with zippers (just... stop), and ones so tiny that if your tah-tahs can actually be contained by them, then you aren't really old enough to be wearing one.  I used to rock one, before the Breakers made their appearance. Back when my figure was more Ruben-esque - the painting, not Ruben-esque - the sandwich, I would tie on some triangles and head sand-side to bake to a crispy golden brown.  I have never been thin by natural means but I wanted to stop obsessing about my so-called "imperfections" and be comfortable in my own skin. In my mid-ish 20s I found myself myself a Charleston, SC dweller and to my absolute horror this involved a heavy amount of beach time. What was I to do?  Everyone went to the beach  since it was 100% humidity and about 500 degrees Kelvin for 3/4 of the year... ummm... okay... well... I opted for shock therapy.  Just put on the d*mn bikini and strut... shock the hell out of the populous.  The first few times were sooooo scary.  My inner monologue went something like this:

"Yeek.  I am so fat."
"Gawd... I am so pale the sun is going to reflect off of my pasty, cave-fish-white belly and... girl, you are gonna BLIND people!"
"I can feel my thighs jiggle when I walk.... and now everyone else knows."
"Suck in!  SUCK IN!"

And on, and on....  But I kept on... with constant encouragement from Hubbs (then boyfriend), of course.

     You know what I learned, folks?  No one cared.  They were all too busy freaking out about their own bodies.  I would look around at other beach goers and, yeah... there were some college hard bodies but everyone else looked like me.  Pale... more round than not... and nervous.  Men who kept their tee-shirts on to hide their bellies, women in strategically positioned sarongs that only came off before their mad dash to the water line... wait... I/WE were the norm?

Shut the front door!



Hand me a beer and lets rock this beach!

     Forcing myself walk around mostly naked was one of the most freeing things I have ever done.  I felt cute... and I was.  Shucking off the bad-body-image-mantle of Cosmo, MTV, and the previous generations's obsession with yo-yo dieting was thrilling.  I hoped that by seeing me in my not-much Old Navy that some other girl or guy would feel okay to jiggle their wiggle for all to see.  And I was angry.  Angry that I had let TV and the ThiNazis cow me into believing that I wasn't just damn fine.  Never again fools.  Never.  Again.


     I will admit that I had a hard time adjusting to the change in my body after the birth of my first.  He was huge and I am a mere 5 feet tall.  There is sh*t on me that is just ruint, ya'll.  Then we had our second and, I don't know if it's because I am just so tired I don't have the extra energy to care, or if I finally have come to grips with it all but... d*mnitall....I feel pretty.  Pretty in a way I didn't have before my wigglers.  Pretty not just on the outside, but a pretty that starts within and works its way out... a pretty pride.  Look at my babies.  See how they reach  for me and burrow into my tummy because "It's warm and snuggly!"?  Look at my Husband.  See how he looks at me as a wife and now mother of his children? (Tee-hee... giggle.)  These are mine and I am theirs and if my butt has a couple of puckers in it that weren't there before and my belly looks like WWIII happened on top of it then so be it.  It's not the cute dress I'm wearing (but it is REALLY cute) or its size that makes me pretty, it is the love of my family.

     SO watch out bathing suit season!  Here I come in all my puckered, jiggly, glowing glory!  (Though, I will be wearing a one piece.  The girls don't appreciate extreme floppage after breastfeeding two ravenous cubs and require a bit more scaffolding these days. They would just eat a bikini top...)

Either way I'm good.  :)


  1. It's so funny how your perspective changes as you get older. Though I will admit, I'm hitting a cleansing diet before I even step in a swimsuit section:(

    1. Oh! Don't get me wrong... I do alter my eating habits when my waist gets extreme.... :) Like "Put down the Burger, Bertha!" alter, I just don't stress it too much any more. :)

      It is funny... I wish I had been this okay about it 10 years ago. :) I would have save a lot of $$$ on Hydroxy Cut....

  2. Oh my gosh, best blog post I've read all week. And I LOVE in your bio that you say Faulknerian. This is awesome.
    Your newest follower from the blog hop.

    1. We don't really cotton ta punctuation at mah house..... :) Glad you stopped by and Thank You!

  3. This is so funny. I love the way you write its so witty. I am your new follower from the tea on tuesday blog hop! I would love a follow back!

  4. You should check out I like beer and babies' Body by Baby series.

  5. I hate bathing suit season. It probably wouldn't matter if I had a gorgeous body - the exposure makes me squeamish.

    Every woman ever has had doubts and insecurities. It's great when you can be comfortable in your own skin instead of wishing for different.

    1. I have started to try and teach the wigglers that they are perfect just the way they are. Problem is they like to show off their perfection... in public.

  6. How refreshing to hear from a human female who's proud of the flesh on her butt. Mother Nature is proud of you.

  7. New follower here. This entire post made me giggle. Loved it!

    xo Ami
    a champagne dream

  8. I can relate! If I could go back in time to when I used to think I was fat (when I was at a weight I would kill for now) I would smack myself!
    Thanks for linking this up with the TALU!

    1. I feel ya! I thought I was huge in college... boy was I wrong. I wish I knew then what I know now....

  9. LOL - giggling and jiggling. I get all stressed out about bathing suit season. I just started Weight Watchers - well I'm in my second week. I want to fit the new bathing suit I bought last year and never wore! Side note, I don't eat beef or pork and that sandwich looks might good to me. TALU

    1. Hubbs and I did that before Sass was born and it was very effective... even though I fudged all the time. I still use some of the recipes I got from the program, not because they are low calorie, but because they are delicious!

      Rubens are wonderful, useless, soul binding things.